#1
Hello ,this is my first posting in Songwriting & Lyrics. I've been writting for couple years, but never wrote a song so I decided to try to write it. Here it is. Tell me what you think please.

Lifeless

verse 1
Your face in dark
feigns alive it makes me suffer
Your hands in mine
so cold and lifeless

verse 2
im tired of this dream
i cant get it right i cant
the silence it screams
all those promises you left behind

chorus
I knew all your fears
your faith i felt inside my soul
you made me love
made me cry alone in agony
how could you just dissapear

verse 3
I want to be free
from the chains of your pain
Just want to believe
in the things that meant all for me

verse 4
i want to be free
and erase the scars of past
please help me to be
the man you've once left

free me from dispair
free me from dispair

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Please give me advice ,correct me ,anything ,just help me be better at writing lyrics.
Any help apriciated. Thanks.
#2
I liked it a lot. There were grammar issues, but by looking at your profile, I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

What kind of song were you thinking of when you wrote this? I can sort of hear one of those songs with a strong contrast between verses and chorus. Very soft, slow verses, and incredibly fast, aggressive choruses. I think the lyrical content would fit well in a setting like that.


Wanna take a look at a poem of mine? I'm looking to make it into a song at some point.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1216217
#3
verse 1
Your face in dark
feigns alive it makes me suffer
Your hands in mine
so cold and lifeless
It's alright. When reading, it is nice to read words that have a similar sound to them. Like alive and mine; they both have a long i sound. So try to end the lines with similar sounding words. They don't have to rhyme and you don't have to have it on every line.
The first line just need 'dark' changed to 'darkness.' The extra syllable is need in my opinion. Feigns means something like 'To give false apperence; veneer.' That doen't seem to fit. Try, 'As evils come alive.' Then most of the time the way you wrote the last line doesn't seem to work but here it's ok.

verse 2
im tired of this dream
i cant get it right i cant
the silence it screams
all those promises you left behind
To make the second line flow better change the last 'I can't,' to 'it seems.' Then you don't need an 'it' in the third line.
chorus
I knew all your fears
your faith i felt inside my soul
you made me love
made me cry alone in agony
how could you just dissapear
This stanza is good except that you don't need 'in agony' in the third line.
verse 3
I want to be free
from the chains of your pain
Just want to believe
in the things that meant all for me
For the second line try 'From these chains you've put on me.' It has a higher syllable count than the other stanzas but it seems to flow better in my opinion. And the last line, 'In the things that meant all for me.' It takes some people a couple times of reading this to figure out what your trying to say; simplify. Try 'In all of the things you mean to me.' It's again extra syllable count but sounds better to me.
verse 4
i want to be free
and erase the scars of past
please help me to be
the man you've once left
The last line is a poem killer. In fact the last two lines don't really make that much sense. Take them out and talk something more along the lines of: 'Please I don't want to be, with you please.'

Overall it isn't that but could use a little work. Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#4
Quote by Bunnyburn
I liked it a lot. There were grammar issues, but by looking at your profile, I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

What kind of song were you thinking of when you wrote this? I can sort of hear one of those songs with a strong contrast between verses and chorus. Very soft, slow verses, and incredibly fast, aggressive choruses. I think the lyrical content would fit well in a setting like that.


Wanna take a look at a poem of mine? I'm looking to make it into a song at some point.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1216217



No ,English isnt my first language.
And yes you are right, I thought of song with contrast like you explained.
Tnx.