#1
C4C

The poisoning pushers who never relent

lusting for every dollar and cent

clawing for every scrap from the table

feeding, flocking, ****ing their mothers

mocking, usurping, using their fathers

lieing, cunningly, killing their brothers

The ***** on the billboard is who they wish to be

never wondering or caring what sets men free

fumbling and stumbling like rats in a pit

trying to be the last that gets bit

vigorously, vainly, stocking their cubboards

despising, deceitfuly, decieving their lovers

masterfuly, murdering, mangling their sisters

I set here wondering when the cattle will see

All those things that where never ment to be

The poisoning pushers who never repent

always cashout when the money is spent
#3
I don't know, this flows so well. I'm not gonna lie this, it's just crazy. Completely not my style but damn, it's disturbing. Good stuff!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#4
Quote by Delta_Mike
I like it. A little incestual but hey who doesn't like to **** their mothers.

Just my round about way of saying MOTHER ****ERS!
#5
I love how you rhyme continuously but it doesn't drag the subject matter down. It's so primal, it's so desperate, you portray them as animals yet you manage to link them back to us humans. the "****ing mothers" line is shocking and comes from no where, i'd like to see a better way of getting that across, allowing it to really develop. The descriptions build up to this and this would come across better if you allowed that to happen.

The language used is simple but you bring something forward in this piece that is something else entirely. I'd love to see you expand on all of this.

If you could critique my recent work "Kinglake" that you be most appreciated!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1215989
#7
You're still having problems, I think, with the rhyming. It's gotten better but when you are rhyming, you're not doing a very good job of it. pit/bit, be/free, these rhymes are just too simple. Refer back to my comment on your other piece for elaboration. It may take a bit to fix this, because it's a very hard thing to do. So don't feel frustrated if it doesn't come easily.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
I know I just liked the way it flowed I wasn't trying to be sophisticated or anything like that just wanted something that jumped up and said RAWR! lol I will try not to rhyme on my next peice promise!
#9
Well it's not that you can't rhyme, I don't mean at all to discourage you from using any technique. Just if you're gonna do it, do it right.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
nah dude...the only music this would work for is rap and I am assuming you don't rap considering that you are on a guitar forum.
basically you try to rhyme but your rhyme scheme is sporadic which annoyed me. You try to use punch lines way too often and they usually fall short here. ****ing their mothers could send such a strong message and you just flat out did not accomplish it. Plus it is not a cliche rhyme but it certainly is not an original line.

I thought the originality was lacking in this whole thing. Every line was said over time (probably word for word too).

Unless you are rappin then these lyrics suck.
#11
Good Idea maybe some rap/ rock shit or sometype of speed metal would be good for these lyrics? Either way its impossible to write a song everyone would like and an indication of what genre(besides rap) too push this into would be great. Also I'll post a revised edition of this later.
Last edited by Captain Capo at Oct 18, 2009,