#1
"Love in III Parts" is primarily one poem with a short "prelude" poem and a short "aftermath" poem. I literally wrote all this in pretty much the past hour so don't hold back with your critique (The bold bits are the titles of each part and not separate stanzas).

And just like to also mention Part II is quite experimental because I've never written something with structure, rhyme and rhythm as irregular as this.


Part I - Love at First Sight

My thoughts melt in your eyes
Your enthralling, enticing, entrancing eyes
And now I know what it's like
To be in love at first sight

Part II - Revelation of a Kiss

You're unbelievably beautiful,
unavoidingly attractive
and I'm undeniably scared.

Are you a spirit?
Or a sprite?
Or a spectral glare?

Or malicious mystical sent to tempt me?
Sent to lure me?
Haunt and scorn me?

I know not.

But none of this matters -
I will always lose to your finesse.

And I will wait your patient prince,
your loyal prince, by your side.
My head filled with more faith than pride
and with puppy dog eyes
staring shamefully
at the hem of your dress.

And in the moment,
I will rise
and fight the tides of my fear;

and hope that when I kiss you
you will not be sprite,
spirit,
spectral glare
or any other kind of scare.

And pray that when I kiss you
you will change into my princess.

And the frightful frog that showed finesse
was my fair princess and no less.

And now I humbly place
my happily ever after
in her outstretched hands.

But I hope you understand
This always was her plan.

Part III - I Put Faith in Love

I'm not particularly religious
But if you asked me too
I would take all my faith, my hope and prayers
And offer them up to you

Because I believe in us
And I believe in you


Like I said before, the second part is the main thing, the other parts are just little extras I wrote in between writing it so I thought I stick them in too. This whole thing was generated from a few pages of Stream of Consciousness I did from the lines:

How can I want anything else
After you've given me everything I ever wanted?

The fact that this topic isn't even in the poem just shows how random Stream of Consciousness can be haha.

Anyway, thanks for reading it
Last edited by Smpl Dstrctns at Oct 16, 2009,
#2
I'm sorry. I just find nothing to really criticize here. I actually really like it. And I know you said the second part is the main, but I thought the first and third ones were great. They are stealing the spotlight from Part II!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#3
Part I - Love at First Sight

My thoughts melt in your eyes
Your enthralling, enticing, entrancing eyes
And now I know what it's like
To be in love at first sight

Part II - Revelation of a Kiss

You're unbelievably beautiful,
unavoidingly attractive
and I'm undeniably scared.

For are you a spirit? <-- is "for" necessary here? I think it hurts flow
Or a sprite?
Or a spectral glare?

Or malicious mystical sent to tempt me?
Sent to lure me?
Haunt and scorn me?

I know not.

But none of this matters -
for I will always lose to your finesse.<-- there it is again GET IT!

And I will wait your patient prince,
your loyal prince, by your side.
My head filled with more faith than pride
and with puppy dog eyes
staring longing at your dress.<--This is funny but I think it ruins the stanza yer being all romantic then in pops the beaver monster

And in the moment,
I will rise
and fight the tides of my fear;

and hope that when I kiss you
you will not be sprite,
spirit
spectral glare
or any other kind of scare.

And pray that when I kiss you
you will change into my princess.

And the frightful frog that showed finesse
was my fair Princess and no less.

And now I humbly place
my happily ever after
in her outstretched hands.

But I hope you understand
This always was her plan.

Part III - I Put Faith in Love

I'm not particularly religious
But if you asked me too
I would take all my faith, my hope and prayers
And offer them up to you

Because I believe in us
And I believe in you
#4
excellent, and i also agree with the comment above about taking out the "for"
#5
And I will wait your patient prince,
your loyal prince, by your side.
My head filled with more faith than pride
and with puppy dog eyes
staring longing at your dress.<--This is funny but I think it ruins the stanza yer being all romantic then in pops the beaver monster


Oh haha I just realised how that sounded. I always pictured it as the character was staring down at the floor at the hem of her dress - I've changed it now though so no confusion.

And you're right - removing the "for"'s did help

Thanks everyone, keep the critique coming I want to make this the best it can be
#6
i see you posted two pieces in one day? thats against the rules. i advise reading them before you post

anyways, i wont do a full crit because the only thing to tell you is to avoid cliches. the three pieces are filled with them. you seemed to say what you wanted to say easily enough but in a very non original, done to death sort of way. you seem to have a grasp on flow and rhythm but the more you write the more the creativity will come i suppose. so keep writing i guess. or dont. its all the same to me.
#7
Actually, English time it was well past midnight when I posted this so I had no reason not to

Hmm, thanks - any examples of the cliches though?
#8
Quote by Smpl Dstrctns


My thoughts melt in your eyes
Your enthralling, enticing, entrancing eyes - I'd advise against overusing adjectives like this. Yes it's good to be descriptive, but it can be done so much better than just listing descriptive words. It doesn't make me feel how "enthralling" the eyes are by just reading the word. Similes and metaphors work wonders.
And now I know what it's like
To be in love at first sight

Love at first sight is extremely cliche. Too cliche. It sets this whole thing up for that cliche theme that rushmore was talking about.


You're unbelievably beautiful,
unavoidingly attractive
and I'm undeniably scared.

Are you a spirit?
Or a sprite?
Or a spectral glare?

Or malicious mystical sent to tempt me?
Sent to lure me?
Haunt and scorn me? - Don't ask rhetorical questions. Or questions at all, really. You are supposed to show me how you are feeling, not ask me.

I know not. - Especially when you don't or can't answer them.

But none of this matters -
I will always lose to your finesse.

And I will wait your patient prince,
your loyal prince, by your side. - Repeating prince here is just redundant. I would take out the "patient prince". Also, by your side is unnecessary because you just said "loyal". Your readers aren't idiots, they don't need you explaining what you mean by loyal.
My head filled with more faith than pride
and with puppy dog eyes
staring shamefully
at the hem of your dress.

And in the moment,
I will rise
and fight the tides of my fear;

and hope that when I kiss you
you will not be sprite,
spirit,
spectral glare
or any other kind of scare.

And pray that when I kiss you
you will change into my princess. - Extremely cliche when coupled with the next line.

And the frightful frog that showed finesse - I don't like that you have reused the word finesse here. It feels recycled.
was my fair princess and no less.

And now I humbly place
my happily ever after
in her outstretched hands. - You go from "you" to "her". When did you switch to talking to her to talking about her? Stay consistent.

But I hope you understand
This always was her plan.


I'm not particularly religious
But if you asked me too
I would take all my faith, my hope and prayers
And offer them up to you - "you" and "too" is too simple of a rhyme. It sounds cheesy when you rhyme words that are that small and related.

Because I believe in us
And I believe in you




I agree that there are a lot of cliche elements in this that bring it down. Way down. There are a lot of places where you use unnecessary or redundant words, restating something that has already been said. Don't unmask what you are saying by explaining it directly after.

Keep writing.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
I'd advise against overusing adjectives like this. Yes it's good to be descriptive, but it can be done so much better than just listing descriptive words. It doesn't make me feel how "enthralling" the eyes are by just reading the word. Similes and metaphors work wonders.


This part is only meant to be simple anyway, and I like the rule of three/triple and alliteration that's been used for the description. Besides, the whole of the second part is a metaphor (in case you didn't realise) and I don't want to overuse that type of imagery too much haha.

Don't ask rhetorical questions. Or questions at all, really. You are supposed to show me how you are feeling, not ask me.


The question's are just to show the character's confusion and anxiety - I didn't know there was anything wrong with asking questions?

Especially when you don't or can't answer them.


That's part of the point of the questions. The character is in the dark. And the questions are answered, just later on in the poem.

You go from "you" to "her". When did you switch to talking to her to talking about her? Stay consistent.


The last three stanzas of Part II change from talking to the female character to talking to the reader. Sorry if that confused you.

"you" and "too" is too simple of a rhyme. It sounds cheesy when you rhyme words that are that small and related.


As I said before, Parts I and III are only meant to be simple. Hence the ABCB rhyme structure and significant lack of imagery.


Thanks for the C&C everyone, much appreciated
#10
I don't know. To me it seems these are meant to be cliche. Just the type of poems they are. But these are all just our opinions!

And as for not asking questions, I think at times a question is much better then a statement. It's shows the writers inability to assess the situation, the writers confusion.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#11
Part by part>>

My thoughts melt in your eyes
Your enthralling, enticing, entrancing eyes <<<forced rhyme
And now I know what it's like
To be in love at first sight

Or malicious mystical sent to tempt me?<<<again forced!
Sent to lure me?


And I will wait your patient prince, << a comma or sumthin like that is req. i guess
your loyal prince, by your side.
My head filled with more faith than pride
and with puppy dog eyes <<kinda cheeky!

"And pray that when I kiss you
you will change into my princess.
And the frightful frog that showed finesse
was my fair Princess and no less."

^^didnt get it. eh she was some frog that turned into princess when u kissd her or what?

Part III - I Put Faith in Love

I'm not particularly religious
But if you asked me too
I would take all my faith, my hope and prayers
And offer them up to you

Because I believe in us
And I believe in you


Now this is the best part if u ask me. good thought. presentation could have been better with "even" length of the lines!


KEEP WRITIN!

-------------------------------
C4C--- Saline Tears
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1217438
#12
i'm quite impressed it only took you about an hour to write that. it's pretty good, not too much imagery, but definitely alot of thought in it which would have taken the helm over it anyway haha

i think it's an overall wonderful piece =]
#13
^^didnt get it.

Right I'll explain the poetry haha.

Part one just kind of sets the plot, someone has very cliche-ly fallen in love at first sight.

Part two is then the anxiety that the person is feeling. They feel very strongly for this person but they have no idea what they are like and uses "fantasy-like" fairytale imagery to convey this ("malicious mystical", "spectral scare") and the kissing a frog and it turning into a princess theme (from the common fairytale and basically saying that when the character kisses this girl, all his doubt and fear goes because he realises that this is his "princess".

And part three is basically the aftermath, where the character is fully in love with the girl he fell "in love at first sight" with and would do anything for them.


I hope that made sense? That was pretty much as simple as I could put it.

Thanks for the crit guys