#1
topped off glasses, half empty, overflow and
drown everybody else here. now the room is half full,
your body across the table and
me on the other side.
I almost singe my hair off
leaning over the candle to look at the way
your body is slouching,
face down in the knee-high water.

at least it's not whining about the spaghetti anymore.

god dammit this is so good,
I think as I start scraping your leftovers
onto my half full plate.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 17, 2009,
#3
Apart from a few issues with phrasing ("me on the other side", "singe my hair off") I quite enjoyed the atmosphere and flow you created. To be honest the beginning grabbed me but the end didn't so much keep my interest... not too sure what to take from that.

Good job.
#4
I'm confused. Is this a dog we're talking about?
R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio. Supplied amazing music to both me and my mother.

He will be missed.
#5
Thanks all of you. And no, this is not a dog.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
Great stuff. I thought that you were exceptionally economical here with your writing. You created an atmosphere with as little words as possible which is something I particularly admire in any form of writing. Moreover, this scene that you set got me thinking and while I haven't quite wrapped my mind around its significance, the fact that I'm trying to figure it out is success enough, I think. I'm assuming the narrator has poisoned his dinner guest although I'm not quite sure why nor am I sure who or what the dinner guest is. Other than that, I'm still trying to figure some things out.

As for some nitpicky suggestions: maybe a better descriptor than "reddish"? That's really all I can come up with. Great job with this
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
topped off glasses, half empty, overflow and
drown everybody else here. now the room is half full, <-- Loved this part
your body across the table and
me on the other side.
I almost singe my hair off
leaning over the candle to look at the way This line break throws me a little
your body is slouching,
face down in the reddish water.
I'm not super krazy about the "reddish water" metaphor, but it works

at least it's not whining about the spaghetti anymore.
Absolutely brilliant separating this

god dammit this is so good,
I think as I start scraping your leftovers
onto my half full plate.
Cold and efficiency minded, my favorite acts of evil

Absolutely loved every letter of this.
The end of the first stanza was just a wee bit awkward, but it came nowhere near close to smudging the rest of this