#1
Just looking for any tips or ideas about this song.

Verse 1

Staged like a movie
Another Reichstag fire
A tyrants quest for power
The countries darkest hour
The people run scared
They hunger for war
The government is pleased
They finally have their war

Chorus
And the soldiers they marched
And the bullets they flew
The government put fear
Into me and you
We fight for oil and money
Not freedom or pride
We die for our country
And they feed us more lies

Verse 2
They staged a disaster
They claimed it was others
Hundreds were killed
By the smoke they were smothered
They died for their country
Without ever serving
On the ground lay their bodies
The sight was unnerving

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge
So what it is it for
The blood and the tears
We've lost our liberties
Because of our fears
The government tells lies
We believe all we hear
The 4th reich is what they are
We have to overcome our fear
We have to rise up
And take a stand
Before all we love is gone
Including our land

(Repeat chorus)


And thats it. I actually came up with this in my history class. School actually is useful sometimes. Anyway i just wanted to know if anybody had any tips or suggestions for this.
Last edited by wlffmn27 at Dec 27, 2010,
#2
If it was done correctly and replaced "politicians" with something a little more metal, you'd have a pretty decent song.
Smart Pothead and Proud
#3
Quote by wlffmn27
Just looking for any tips or ideas about this song.

Verse 1

Staged like a movie
Another Reichstag fire
A tyrants quest for power
The countries darkest hour
The people run scared
They hunger for war
The politicians are pleased
They finally have their war

Chorus
And the soldiers they marched
And the bullets they flew
The politicians put fear
Into me and you
We fight for oil and money
Not freedom or pride
We die for our country
And they feed us more lies

Verse 2
They staged a disaster
They claimed it was others
Hundreds were killed
By the smoke they were smothered
They died for their country
Without ever serving
On the ground lay their bodies
The sight was unnerving

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge
So what it is it for
The blood and the tears
We've lost our liberties
Because of our fears
The government tells lies
We believe all we hear
The 4th reich is what they are
We have to overcome our fear
We have to rise up
And take a stand
Before all we love is gone
Including our land

(Repeat chorus)


And thats it. I actually came up with this in my history class. School actually is useful sometimes. Anyway i just wanted to know if anybody had any tips or suggestions for this.

the use of the word reichstag was pretty sweet but other than that..... sorry for being so unhelpful.
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#5
I like it. It's good.

It's engaging and interesting not only because it's political but also because the imagery in it helps sustain the reader's attention (fire, soldiers, bullets, smoke, "On the ground lay their bodies" etc).

In addition it's also quite emotional. You've written about death and corruptness and the bias of it automatically makes the reader side with your views (against the politicians, basically). And changing a reader's opinion is what all good message songs do

As for improvements? There isn't too much I feel I can say. The one thing I noticed was that the first half of your verse didn't fit the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the song which was a bit unnerving:

A - Staged like a movie
B - Another Reichstag fire
C - A tyrants quest for power
C - The countries darkest hour


But if you just swapped the second and third lines it would fit perfectly:

A - Staged like a movie
B - A tyrants quest for power
C - Another Reichstag fire
B - The countries darkest hour


Of course now I've brought this up I might as well mention that it might make the song sound more interesting if you experimented a bit more with rhyme schemes rather than just ABCB. Try to change the rhyme scheme when you reach the chorus (maybe to ABCC or something) just to see if it adds to the song. Of course, you don't have to I'm merely suggesting it 'cause it's an idea you might want to try to see if it helps.

So basically, overall I like the song, the subject matter is good, the imagery is good, the rhyme scheme will be fine once you've changed that first half of verse 1 but it could be improved and made more interesting... possibly


If you could return the critique favour on "Love in III Parts"? It's in my signature
#6
thanks for the tips. i was thinking of changing the rhyme scheme for the first verse but when i changed it, it just didnt sound right to me. So is this pretty good for my first song?
Last edited by wlffmn27 at Oct 17, 2009,
#7
very good song man. I recently did about Nazi germany in history and it is ****ing good for songs!!
My Gear

Washburn WV40V
Vox VT30
Fender Squier Strat
Behringer UM 300 distortion pedal
Line 6 Spider IV 15
#8
Yea it is but this song isn't about Nazi Germany. It's actually about how our own country is starting to look more like a 4th Reich than a Democracy or a Republic.
#9
Quote by MC Lukesta
very good song man. I recently did about Nazi germany in history and it is ****ing good for songs!!

thats the 3rd reich.
#10
Quote by 36mikeyb36
If it was done correctly and replaced "politicians" with something a little more metal, you'd have a pretty decent song.

+1 Also, "the sight was unnerving"; it's good because it rhymes with "serving" but it makes it seem like you're on the outside looking in; it would be better if it looked a little more personal. Derseving, undeserving, swerving are some other words that might fit, but that is just a suggestion. But I really like "they died for their country without ever serving".
#11
the song is actually supposed to be from an outside perspective, its not really a personal thing.
#12
Quote by wlffmn27
Just looking for any tips or ideas about this song.

Verse 1

Staged like a movie
Another Reichstag fire
A tyrants quest for power
The countries darkest hour
The people run scared
They hunger for war
The politicians are pleased
They finally have their war
This first verse was pretty solid overall. I didn't like the rhyming of power and hour when they were right beside each other like that, for me it messed with the flow. Also, the second to last line seems off to me, I dunno. That's just how I'm interpreting the flow, for all I know it all works together.

Chorus
And the soldiers they marched
And the bullets they flew
The politicians put fear
Into me and you
We fight for oil and money
Not freedom or pride
We die for our country
And they feed us more lies
I love the chorus. It flows well, and the word choice works well with the song. Just one suggestion, instead of the the politicians put fear/into me and you, maybe try the politicians put the fear/into me and you. Once again, that might just be how I'm interpreting the flow, so you may choose to ignore that.

Verse 2
They staged a disaster
They claimed it was others
Hundreds were killed
By the smoke they were smothered
They died for their country
Without ever serving
On the ground lay their bodies
The sight was unnerving
This verse seemed a bit forced almost to me. It's good, and it reads well, but something seemed off about this one. I still like it, but it's not of the same caliber as the first verse or chorus.

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge
So what it is it for
The blood and the tears
We've lost our liberties
Because of our fears
The government tells lies
We believe all we hear
The 4th reich is what they are
We have to overcome our fear
We have to rise up
And take a stand
Before all we love is gone
Including our land
This is easily my favorite part of the song. The rhyme and rhythm work together perfectly, and the wording is great. The only thing I don't like is that last line. I know it completes the rhyme scheme, but it sounds like an afterthought, and doesn't carry the same weight as the rest of the lines. Maybe repeat Before all we love is gone for the last line? I don't know, just my thoughts.

(Repeat chorus)


And thats it. I actually came up with this in my history class. School actually is useful sometimes. Anyway i just wanted to know if anybody had any tips or suggestions for this.


Really, I thought this was a good piece. I usually like politically charged songs, and this was a new concept of showing it.

C4C? Either of the ones in the sig, if you do =)
#13
i get what your saying about the 2nd verse being kinda forced. i put this thing together in like 5 minutes so it makes sense.