#1
Well, this is going to be one of the single's off of my bands first cd, so I figured I'd post it just to see what you guys think.


When the morning comes I won't be done,
forty minutes with a loaded gun,
just sitting here pondering escape,
watchin' agony slowly shape,
just tell me, when is it time for change?

You think it's a crime to be,
while you look so sorry,
you couldn't last a minute as me,
just when I thought I couldn't get much lower,
my whole world's gone bipolar

When the morning comes I won't be done,
forty minutes with a loaded gun,
just sitting here pondering escape,
watchin' agony slowly shape,
just tell me, when is it time for change?

I'm so sick of this mentality,
faith is no fallacy,
just not for me,
sitting here every night,
tryin' to get the courage to fight

when morning comes I won't be done,
left alone with a loaded gun,
lying here knowing my fate,
just to succumb to this hate
Quote by satanicgurrl
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This newly posted mp3

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#2
thats bloody brilliant, does it have music yet?
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
#3
Sounds like you forced some of the rhymes...

"just when I thought I couldn't get much lower,
my whole world's gone bipolar"
"I'm so sick of this mentality,
faith is no fallacy,"

Good idea behind it though.
I really like the line, You couldn't last a minute as me
#4
Quote by Lovecannon
Well, this is going to be one of the single's off of my bands first cd, so I figured I'd post it just to see what you guys think.


When the morning comes I won't be done,
forty minutes with a loaded gun,
just sitting here pondering escape,
watchin' agony slowly shape,
just tell me, when is it time for change?

You think it's a crime to be,
while you look so sorry,
you couldn't last a minute as me,
just when I thought I couldn't get much lower,
my whole world's gone bipolar

When the morning comes I won't be done,
forty minutes with a loaded gun,
just sitting here pondering escape,
watchin' agony slowly shape,
just tell me, when is it time for change?

I'm so sick of this mentality,
faith is no fallacy,
just not for me,
sitting here every night,
tryin' to get the courage to fight

when morning comes I won't be done,
left alone with a loaded gun,
lying here knowing my fate,
just to succumb to this hate


someone else said that there favorite line was "you couldn't last a minute as me" but for mean i thought that was foolhardy thing to say. there doesn't really seem to be a story, not that there needs to be one or that you even intended for one but it just seems like you're complaining in the verses and the chorus is ok except for the last one where you end with the line "succumb to this hate" i don't know why that's just pry personal preference but it's complete and it gets the job done. crit4crit sir?
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#5
Quote by bananahammock
thats bloody brilliant, does it have music yet?


Yup. It's a softer song, the chorus (When the morning comes..) are soft while the verses (You think its a crime to be..) are heavy. The soft riff is kind of southern rock-ish, personally the guitar playing reminds me of lynyrd skynrd, but the verses are heavy like Pantera... so I guess the song is similar to Cemetary Gates in that aspect :P
Quote by satanicgurrl
Is this amazing? Could it be?
This newly posted mp3

Quoth the server "4 0 3"


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Gear:

  • ESP LTD EC-1000 Black Cherry
  • Hartke LH500 Full Stack
  • Line 6 Pod HD Pro
#7
"you couldn't last a minute as me"

maybe change that to 'you wouldnt last one minute as me'? I think it flows abit better..
other than that its quite a good piece. Come back and link to the recorded version when its done so we can hear it with music
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