#1
well these are some angry lyrics i wrote when i was pissed off and idk id like to hear what the people think about it me and the band our working on some music to go with it and its an obvious metal song idk hit me up if u guys have any thoughtful revisions or something i want to know what ppl think

the damage is done
and now its my turn.
You thought you won.
You should of learned
You better start to run
Its your turn to burn

You've been living a ****ing lie
See what I've found?
I will break you down
Its you're turn to ****ing die

you thought you were a higher power
hide, for this is you faithful final hour
sit in your damn corner and cower
because your soul is mine to devour

Now you understand
you were the ****ing coward
you have no ****ing pride
no god damn honor
you shameless piece of ****
its time to end what you call life

Your existence is now a mystery
The absences of heartless tyranny
All life better off without you
dead and gone right on cue.

i am not sure on what the name is too be maybe tell me what u think the name should be im thinking like Revenge or something
Last edited by seattleHATECREW at Oct 18, 2009,
#2
Quote by seattleHATECREW


the damage is done
and now its my turn.
You thought you won.
You should of learned
You better start to run
Its your turn to burn

(well if you said this is a metal song so if you intend to be shouting/screaming this lyrics short words would be a good choice, but you do start three lines with "you")

You've been living a ****ing lie
See what I've found?
I will break you down
Its you're turn to ****ing die

(i don't know about these lyrics, no offense but they just don't seem that "intelligent." you rhyme "lie" with "die" which is extremely cliche and are the curse words necessary?" on or two in a piece can be pretty powerful but two in one stanza? and both being "****/ing"?)

you thought you were a higher power
hide, for this is you faithful final hour
sit in your damn corner and cower
because your soul is mine to devour

(are you really gonna devour their soul? haha)

Now you understand
you were the ****ing coward
you have no ****ing pride
no god damn honor
you shameless piece of ****
its time to end what you call life

(more swear words? and this is just getting to threatening for my taste)

Your existence is now a mystery
The absences of heartless tyranny
All life better off without you
dead and gone right on cue.

(i just don't know dude, keep working on it, again if you do intend on a yelling type delivery the short words would be good for that and "revenge" for a title isn't very creative even system of a down had to switch it up to "revenga" haha. but just keep working with it. I hope i've helped.)


crit4crit?
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#3
I'm angry too! I'm angry that you didn't read the rules!

Okay yeah I'm not really angry. I'd love it if you could please take a look at the forum rules though, specifically regarding thread titles.

Post in here what the actual title is supposed to be and I'll edit it for you. Normally I would just close the thread, but since you've already received a full crit then I'll give you a bit of a break.

If you haven't posted back in a bit I'll change it to Untitled.

#4
should have....not should of....
"I'll have 2 number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one with cheese, and a large soda" ~Melvin 'Big Smoke' Harris.
#5
I agree with zero on pretty much all his points (especially the "your soul is mine to devour" line, that does need changing - it just sounds ridiculous is all).

I disagree about the swearing though. I think it'll add to the song. I know sometimes it can seem "unintelligent" but if it's said with malice and emotion it can really add to the "anger" of this song. There's nothing wrong with a bit of swearing in the chorus, this is metal, not gospel
#6
I really like it. only thing is the line "hide, this is your faithful final hour" the 'faithful' isn't really needed, but apart from that its good. crit4crit on my Phobia?
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#9
eh. i dont know about this.
i especially dislike the line "you shameless piece of ***"