#1
Okay so ive been writing alot of simple acoustic melancholy songs lately. Mostly about the the imperfections and lack of depth of people, love and life. Like, it seems like theirs a veil masking love so that when you see it from far away it sems perfect, but I'm 16 and not as niave as i used to be and i know that nothings perfect. But just seeing that theirs no depth to most all of the relationships i've been in let alone in any relationship is turning me into some pessimistic romantic that i never was before. And it hurts to see cold lifeless science interpret complex situations and break it down into the basic elements of human interaction and predict an outcome. It's scary to see how shallow people can really be. So anyways heres the lyrics, I just wanted to give some pretext to this so you dont read them and assume that theres some happy skippy tune and upbeat motovational sound to all this.

"I’ll think as I sleep, calculating the worst that could be, as small minded people make big decisions. But no doubt we are free; we can go anywhere that we please with these vast roads that go from coast to coast. Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams. Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams. Yea, but you got what you want. You're so popular now, as you sort them away like they’re not unique, but they’re afraid of getting stabbed in the back... Woohoo"

well tell me what you guys and girls think. or not.
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#2
I don't get the rythm, can you line it up?
It's not great, but i've seen much worse.
#3
...

I’ll think as I sleep
calculating the worst that could be
as small minded people make big decisions
But no doubt we are free
we can go anywhere that we please with these vast roads that go from coast to coast
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams
Yea, but you got what you want
You're so popular now
as you sort them away like they’re not unique
but they’re afraid of getting stabbed in the back
Woohoo............
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#4
Pretty decent. Better than I can write. And I'm not surprised you can't find true happiness in relationships with people. Like you said, they're imperfect and shallow. And it's good that you realize how empty science can be if it is used as a philosophy of life. Only a relationship with God can give you true happiness. I know from experience.
#5
Quote by Demonhunter04
Pretty decent. Better than I can write. And I'm not surprised you can't find true happiness in relationships with people. Like you said, they're imperfect and shallow. And it's good that you realize how empty science can be if it is used as a philosophy of life. Only a relationship with God can give you true happiness. I know from experience.


Thank you for actually understanding and not being the exact thing i was talking about. Its always nice to meet some1 cool :].
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#6
Damn, you gots to start looking for the silver lining man, or your gunna end up crying yourself to sleep to many nights in a row.
Where the hell did slide guitar go!?!
#8
Quote by BrokenSeptember
Thank you for actually understanding and not being the exact thing i was talking about. Its always nice to meet some1 cool :].

No problem.
#9
Two things.

First of all the statements that precede your piece shouldn't be longer than the actual piece. You shouldn't have to do that much explaining outside of the piece for people to understand it.

Secondly, read the rules please. Particularly the ones regarding thread titles. I'm going to fix this one for you since you've already gotten a few responses (normally I would just close the thread) but read the rules anyways to avoid problems in the future.

Thanks.
#10
Quote by bassbeat77
Two things.

First of all the statements that precede your piece shouldn't be longer than the actual piece. You shouldn't have to do that much explaining outside of the piece for people to understand it.

Secondly, read the rules please. Particularly the ones regarding thread titles. I'm going to fix this one for you since you've already gotten a few responses (normally I would just close the thread) but read the rules anyways to avoid problems in the future.

Thanks.


Two things.

first of all, Thank you sooo much man for not going out of your way to be a dickhead! I really appreciate it. I'd just like to publicly thank you about that since thats obviously what your asking for. Your like one of those maffia people that donate a ****load of money to some church just. Not because they care about it or even that they believe in a god, just so just so they will be recognized as a contribuor and get their name on a ****ing plank on some church wall.

Secondly, Did you even read the pretext? Because its not even explaining anything about the song, its explaining my motovation. like to show that these arent just some random words that i chose because they flow good with the chords. They actually have a meaning that is pretty close to self explanitory, which contradicts what you said "You shouldn't have to do that much explaining outside of the piece for people to understand it.". That is unless you simply started reading the first paragraph, realized they werent the lyrics, jumped to the second paragraph, skimmed thru the lyrics and immediatly started to type up a responce that would nonchalantly let me know that "because your such a nice guy, you decided to not close the thread even though normally you would have closed it without thinking" and youll probably just scim over this too. wow

but in a not even joking way, thank you for telling me about the title rules and stuff, I appericate it. And dont take it personal and get a big dick over it and make it your lifelong goad to try and ban everything i ever post on UG and try to ruin my life.

So take it for what its worth, it was just a rant.
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#11
Quote by BrokenSeptember
Two things.

first of all, Thank you sooo much man for not going out of your way to be a dickhead! I really appreciate it. I'd just like to publicly thank you about that since thats obviously what your asking for. Your like one of those maffia people that donate a ****load of money to some church just. Not because they care about it or even that they believe in a god, just so just so they will be recognized as a contribuor and get their name on a ****ing plank on some church wall.

Secondly, Did you even read the pretext? Because its not even explaining anything about the song, its explaining my motovation. like to show that these arent just some random words that i chose because they flow good with the chords. They actually have a meaning that is pretty close to self explanitory, which contradicts what you said "You shouldn't have to do that much explaining outside of the piece for people to understand it.". That is unless you simply started reading the first paragraph, realized they werent the lyrics, jumped to the second paragraph, skimmed thru the lyrics and immediatly started to type up a responce that would nonchalantly let me know that "because your such a nice guy, you decided to not close the thread even though normally you would have closed it without thinking" and youll probably just scim over this too. wow

but in a not even joking way, thank you for telling me about the title rules and stuff, I appericate it. And dont take it personal and get a big dick over it and make it your lifelong goad to try and ban everything i ever post on UG and try to ruin my life.

So take it for what its worth, it was just a rant.


Unnecessary rant. This dude is not out to hunt you as you think he is. He is simply giving his honest critique. If you are not going to take your critiques to heart then do not post a song on here. You are supposed to use this forum for critique, not for recognition. I was going to honestly rip your song a new asshole because of how bad I thought it was but since I realize you will just dismiss my honest opinions about this song I do not know if you are even worth critiquing. I am 19 years old yet it seems as though I am 20 years more mature than you are. You talk about people being shallow. There is an Eric Clapton song called "Before you accuse me". I suggest you listen to that before you respond to this. You claimed somebody scimmed over your words but I do not think you will take the time to go onto youtube and truly listen to Before You Accuse Me (I am referring to the lyrics). Now you have lost my respect and you will have to earn it back...please try.
#12
Quote by BrokenSeptember
Two things.

first of all, Thank you sooo much man for not going out of your way to be a dickhead! I really appreciate it. I'd just like to publicly thank you about that since thats obviously what your asking for. Your like one of those maffia people that donate a ****load of money to some church just. Not because they care about it or even that they believe in a god, just so just so they will be recognized as a contribuor and get their name on a ****ing plank on some church wall.

Secondly, Did you even read the pretext? Because its not even explaining anything about the song, its explaining my motovation. like to show that these arent just some random words that i chose because they flow good with the chords. They actually have a meaning that is pretty close to self explanitory, which contradicts what you said "You shouldn't have to do that much explaining outside of the piece for people to understand it.". That is unless you simply started reading the first paragraph, realized they werent the lyrics, jumped to the second paragraph, skimmed thru the lyrics and immediatly started to type up a responce that would nonchalantly let me know that "because your such a nice guy, you decided to not close the thread even though normally you would have closed it without thinking" and youll probably just scim over this too. wow

but in a not even joking way, thank you for telling me about the title rules and stuff, I appericate it. And dont take it personal and get a big dick over it and make it your lifelong goad to try and ban everything i ever post on UG and try to ruin my life.

So take it for what its worth, it was just a rant.

lol.
Done skimming.

You posted your piece here to receive criticism. I gave you some, and I still stand by it. Stating your motivation for the piece can be equated with explaining it to a degree. People aren't in here to read your life story, unless it's in the form of poetry/prose/lyrics. I know that isn't a rule, that is my criticism. You don't have to apply it but you don't have to argue it either. If you're going to constantly argue with the criticism that people give you then we'd rather just not have you around here.

Three more things.

First, you will never have any connection to me having a big dick.

Second, just because you declare something a rant afterward doesn't excuse what was said.

Also, it might be best for you not to reply to this. This wasn't me continuing an argument, it was me telling you how things work around here.
#13
Quote by 21wickwing
Unnecessary rant. This dude is not out to hunt you as you think he is. He is simply giving his honest critique. If you are not going to take your critiques to heart then do not post a song on here. You are supposed to use this forum for critique, not for recognition. I was going to honestly rip your song a new asshole because of how bad I thought it was but since I realize you will just dismiss my honest opinions about this song I do not know if you are even worth critiquing. I am 19 years old yet it seems as though I am 20 years more mature than you are. You talk about people being shallow. There is an Eric Clapton song called "Before you accuse me". I suggest you listen to that before you respond to this. You claimed somebody scimmed over your words but I do not think you will take the time to go onto youtube and truly listen to Before You Accuse Me (I am referring to the lyrics). Now you have lost my respect and you will have to earn it back...please try.


whatever. if your going to assume im some asshole go ahead. and no, i didnt or would never dismiss somones oppinion just because i dont agree with it. And im not on here to try and get recognition. honestly, i just wanted to find people that i can relate to. And your reading what i said with the wrong inflection. It got me mad that all he said is "well your song should be longer than the explination", i dont think he's out to get me. i never met, heard of, or talked to him before in my life. Im just presenting what i see. And i have nothing against you calling me out on it. I have respect for that. and im sorry that i seemed like a dickhead. i was mad, but are you serously saying that " you were honestly going to rip on how bad they were" but your "twenty years more mature than me."? And now i have to earn your respect back? And even if by some miracle i did, dont try and pretend that you wouldnt feel like your still better than me. And my last paragraph, the "And in a not even joking way" part was sincere. i really did appreciate that he cared enough to not immediatly block it or ban it or whatever its called. and i probably sounded a little harsh but i didnt mean to sound that way. (and i did look up the song on youtube, but i couldnt find a non live version of it so i had a hard time following the lyrics.) But anyways thanks for the honest critique. The fack that you sounded mad shows that actually care about what i said. so all i ask is dont try and be ruthless just to try and hurt me.
(i bet you were expecting a "well youre gay" comeback. lol)
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#14
Quote by BrokenSeptember
whatever. if your going to assume im some asshole go ahead. and no, i didnt or would never dismiss somones oppinion just because i dont agree with it. And im not on here to try and get recognition. honestly, i just wanted to find people that i can relate to. And your reading what i said with the wrong inflection. It got me mad that all he said is "well your song should be longer than the explination", i dont think he's out to get me. i never met, heard of, or talked to him before in my life. Im just presenting what i see. And i have nothing against you calling me out on it. I have respect for that. and im sorry that i seemed like a dickhead. i was mad, but are you serously saying that " you were honestly going to rip on how bad they were" but your "twenty years more mature than me."? And now i have to earn your respect back? And even if by some miracle i did, dont try and pretend that you wouldnt feel like your still better than me. And my last paragraph, the "And in a not even joking way" part was sincere. i really did appreciate that he cared enough to not immediatly block it or ban it or whatever its called. and i probably sounded a little harsh but i didnt mean to sound that way. (and i did look up the song on youtube, but i couldnt find a non live version of it so i had a hard time following the lyrics.) But anyways thanks for the honest critique. The fack that you sounded mad shows that actually care about what i said. so all i ask is dont try and be ruthless just to try and hurt me.
(i bet you were expecting a "well youre gay" comeback. lol)


To be honest this did earn my respect, I did expect a "well youre gay" comeback (just more well-written roundabout way of saying it.) I honestly do not see what ripping your song apart has to do with my maturity but that is whatever. This was a much more polite response than I expected and I can respect that.
#15
It's cool man, just maybe in the future read over your reply before you post it so you can avoiding coming off as a bit of a jerk. I don't think you are, but that's the impression you gave. And remember that most people here are always trying to help.

#16
Quote by bassbeat77
lol.
Done skimming.

You posted your piece here to receive criticism. I gave you some, and I still stand by it. Stating your motivation for the piece can be equated with explaining it to a degree. People aren't in here to read your life story, unless it's in the form of poetry/prose/lyrics. I know that isn't a rule, that is my criticism. You don't have to apply it but you don't have to argue it either. If you're going to constantly argue with the criticism that people give you then we'd rather just not have you around here.

Three more things.

First, you will never have any connection to me having a big dick.

Second, just because you declare something a rant afterward doesn't excuse what was said.

Also, it might be best for you not to reply to this. This wasn't me continuing an argument, it was me telling you how things work around here.


dude, it was honest. im not trying to being a dick and im not tring to get in a fight and mess with a somone ive never met. and the " dont get a big dick" thing is like "dont get all puffed up over this because im not trying to piss you off". im not trying to argue. just dont write me off and some arguementitive jerk who cant handle hearing what people think about my stuff. I know it sucks. im not retarded. But you really didnt say anything other than "the explination shouldnt be longer than the song". and it was obvious that you realy didnt even care about it. you even said were not here to read your life story. I would hardly call that a life story. and i was sincere about thanking you for telling me about the title rules and stuff. Im really not as much of an ass as that reply probably made you think. so sorry for ranting n all that. =/
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#17
Quote by bassbeat77
It's cool man, just maybe in the future read over your reply before you post it so you can avoiding coming off as a bit of a jerk. I don't think you are, but that's the impression you gave. And remember that most people here are always trying to help.



didnt see this
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#18
’ll think as I sleep
calculating the worst that could be
as small minded people make big decisions
But no doubt we are free
we can go anywhere that we please with these vast roads that go from coast to coast
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams

Up to here it is decent. Line 1 was original and line three was decent although there were too many syllables (take out "as" ???). Line 5 kills this part though. Cliche. Check the syllable number on this one. It has no flow whatsoever. Even if you keep this cliche, word it better. Something like "We'll travel vast roads Philly to LA" or "We'll travel the American Dream" or "We'll journey this empire." (The last one is a bit of a shot to the government ) Anyways these are just ideas but you know what I mean.

Yea, but you got what you want
You're so popular now
as you sort them away like they’re not unique
but they’re afraid of getting stabbed in the back
Woohoo............

I know what your motivations are but please be more poetic with this. If you can pull off a more poetic way to say this, you will establish a far stronger point. This is the part that is so unattractive that I almost went blind reading it. It is just a rant. It is also so detached from the first part that makes it ten times worse. You can make it detached and effective as it can poetically go with what you have previously written but this does not jive. I can't critique the techniques involved in this part simply because I strongly believe you should either end it after the first part or completely rewrite this from scratch. If you do so I can really appreciate your work here. It is just that this part is the worm in the apple. Anyways good luck.


Return the favor please and critique the official version of Heaven's Ring ???
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 19, 2009,
#19
Quote by 21wickwing
’ll think as I sleep
calculating the worst that could be
as small minded people make big decisions
But no doubt we are free
we can go anywhere that we please with these vast roads that go from coast to coast
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams
Cause all this work stemmed from broken dreams

Up to here it is decent. Line 1 was original and line three was decent although there were too many syllables (take out "as" ???). Line 5 kills this part though. Cliche. Check the syllable number on this one. It has no flow whatsoever. Even if you keep this cliche, word it better. Something like "We'll travel vast roads Philly to LA" or "We'll travel the American Dream" or "We'll journey this empire." (The last one is a bit of a shot to the government ) Anyways these are just ideas but you know what I mean.

Yea, but you got what you want
You're so popular now
as you sort them away like they’re not unique
but they’re afraid of getting stabbed in the back
Woohoo............

I know what your motivations are but please be more poetic with this. If you can pull off a more poetic way to say this, you will establish a far stronger point. This is the part that is so unattractive that I almost went blind reading it. It is just a rant. It is also so detached from the first part that makes it ten times worse. You can make it detached and effective as it can poetically go with what you have previously written but this does not jive. I can't critique the techniques involved in this part simply because I strongly believe you should either end it after the first part or completely rewrite this from scratch. If you do so I can really appreciate your work here. It is just that this part is the worm in the apple. Anyways good luck.


Return the favor please and critique the official version of Heaven's Ring ???

man you have no idea how much i stress about trying to critique things, ive got asspergers disease(social things that are obvious to you i have to learn) and im pretty sure thats why i come off as a jerk sometimes. and i get realllly nervous trying critiquing things cuz i say reallly mean stuff sometimes without thinking of it.
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.
#20
Quote by BrokenSeptember
man you have no idea how much i stress about trying to critique things, ive got asspergers disease(social things that are obvious to you i have to learn) and im pretty sure thats why i come off as a jerk sometimes. and i get realllly nervous trying critiquing things cuz i say reallly mean stuff sometimes without thinking of it.


Hey, I understand. But I love when people say really mean things about my work. It makes me think about it more. If you notice in my signature ... I beg for harsh critiques. But if you don't want to for your own sake that is fine. Just know that I appreciate "mean", "rude", and "harsh" things... they serve a much better purpose than "hey man thats fantastic".
#21
Quote by 21wickwing
Hey, I understand. But I love when people say really mean things about my work. It makes me think about it more. If you notice in my signature ... I beg for harsh critiques. But if you don't want to for your own sake that is fine. Just know that I appreciate "mean", "rude", and "harsh" things... they serve a much better purpose than "hey man thats fantastic".

haha ya i hate that.
are we cool? God im retarded.
Give her the gift that keeps on giving: Mexican jumping beans.