#1
C4C.

Discarding all my results
I calculate all the odds
I force myself to compete
to pit myself to beat the gods
while knowing second place won't
win me my reward

I trade my window of light
so I can listen instead,
as intricate as hammer blows
when trying to urge my growth ahead,
the dance on roses turns to
thorns across my bed


The glimpse I catch
The Queen of Spades
I fight to be
a Jack of sorts
It takes a while
to build, to burn
but simply
winning by default
is hardly
victory at all,
the prize has
never been my goal
just want it
at my beg and call


Her sense of justice is crude
and nothing's changed from before
As I'm dressed up and nicely cut
I laugh while slamming shut the door
I guess I'm just a work in
progress, little more

It resonates in my hands
it resonates in my brain
while cynicism tries to kill
the apathy that still remains
the vulgar symbolism's
harder to contain

Be brutal when critting this. Trust me, I need it.
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Oct 26, 2009,
#2
Quote by AlienFinger79
C4C.

Discarding all my results
I calculate all the odds
i liked the usage of mathematical terms in the first two lines, it keeps me interested.
I force myself to compete
to pit myself to beat the gods
i didn't quite grasp the usage of the word "gods", but that's just a personal gripe.
while knowing second place won't
win me my reward
i thought this stanza introduced your piece well enough for me to keep reading on, which is always a plus.

I trade my window of light
so I can listen instead,
i absolutely loved these line. instead of seeing, you would rather hear. i was simply amazed at these lines, well done.
as intricate as "the?" hammer blows
when trying to urge my growth ahead,
the dance on roses turns to
thorns across my bed
i would've rather see the continuation of the theme of "hearing" that you described in the second line to finish off this stanza. the last three lines were great by themselves, but i would rather you keep the theme going.


The glimpse I catch
The Queen of Spades
I fight to be
a Jack of sorts
It takes a while
to build, to burn
but simply
winning by default
is hardly
victory at all,
the prize has
never been my goal
just want it
at my beg and call
this stanza was a half-half for me, meaning that i liked your focus on the "prize / reward", but didn't quite understand the card allusion. again, that's just a personal issue.


Her sense of justice is crude
and nothing's changed from before
alright, now i better understand the usage of the "queen of spades ... jack of sorts" from the previous stanza.
As I'm dressed up and nicely cut
I laugh while slamming shut the door
i didn't like these two lines because of it's simplicity. i thoroughly enjoyed your metaphors from the previous stanzas and would've liked it if you kept that going.
I guess I'm just work in
progress, little more
these two lines didn't make sense, gramatically speaking. it feels like there should be an "a" or two somewhere in those lines.

It resonates in my hands
it resonates in my brain
i love repetition and you chose to use it well in these two lines.
while cynicism tries to kill
the apathy that still remains
the vulgar symbolism's
excellent word usage; "cynicism", "apathy", "vulgar". very strong words to use in this last stanza.
harder to contain.


i enjoyed your use of metaphors, allusions, and such throughout this piece. although, i didn't fully grasp some of the meanings of lines simply because i was working on different meanings to this piece.

with all that said, i thought the last stanza summed up the piece very well. your choice to use repetition and excellent words until the last (and, to me, the most important stanza) really stood out.

thanks for critting my piece, and i'd love to see more work from you in the future.

"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance