#1
I'm not really good at writing lyrics. But I like this poem I made. You could probably guess what its about.


All day long I sit in here
Years gone by and no more tears
Seems like I've lost all emotion
They keep me locked up in this cage
I'm too old to be enraged
Convicted guity before life began
One day I'll leave this place
And I know I'll find my home
Cool maiden you're so right
Jury's wrong about my crime
Remember innocence is inadaquete
Compensation is my gift
For the life I lost enduring this
I lost my life living in this ****
Years go by in my shell
Why am I in this hell?
Couldn't they just let me go away?
Here I am I don't know why
It wasn't me, its not my crime
I don't want to waste another day
#2
You seem to jump around a lot, your ideas are a little bit haphazard, it just kind of jerks to a new thought unannounced without finishing the one you are on. I think you need to work on the ideas flowing, one line leading into another. Every single word needs to work towards the next word, it all needs to built up to the point you are driving at. Organize your thoughts and ideas a little better before you sit down to write next time.

Keep writing.

Oh yeah, and you should read the rules and post the title of your piece in the title of the thread.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 17, 2009,
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
Oh yeah, and you should read the rules and post the title of your piece in the title of the thread.


Do it.