#1
These will make more sense if you think of them from a social-political kinda of theme. I still need a chorus, and the sections are not supposed to fit to the same rhythm either.
Also don't try to follow the punctuation too much, esspecially on the last paragraph, how i have it in my head it fits fine.
But without further ado here they're...

'The sky has turned to dust and the ground is woven black
We're trapped in this mess, there's no turning back.
We headed no warnings, we held no truths,
What we left behind was a nation of abuse.

A dying day without its moment,
A life times gone in the blink of an eye,
We bomb the poor and hungry and complain we can't survive.
We've lost all hope of direction,
And any chance of redemption,
all we know are misconceptions.

I'll burn every bridge i ever built,
And i'll crush everything i ever felt
just to bring this back to you.
And if this is how I need to be to show you this is who we are,
Then thats fine with me.

We are knee deep and sinking,
What if nothing beautiful re-born from this phoenix's ashes?
Then where will we stand,
With our last breath whilst we're striving to survive,
With our hands on our heads and our guns to the sky,
We've brought this on ourselves,
Wars, fighting and destructive lies.'


Like i said, now i just need a chorus.
What do i think? I think its okay, its just in some sections bits really need changing.
#2
They're really good
Have you got a vocal melody figured out? If you record it, I'd like to hear =)
#3
Thanks alot man

I have a melody sort of figured out but i don't really have any music to go with them.

Do you have anything you want me too crit?
#4
Do you play guitar? When I come up with a vocal melody, I just grab my acoustic and start strumming and try to find a chord progression that fits along with the melody. Once you get a chord progression, it will be easier to come up with a chorus, too I might post up some lyrics soon and I'll let you know, I'm not much of a lyricist, but I'm working on being better. I'm hoping by reading some of the lyrics posted here, I will get better at writing my own lyrics
#5
yeahh thats exactly what i've done, i've just been writting stuff like this into my phone and what not whenever i think of anything trying to improve my lyrics
#6
i think its pretty good. once you get a chorus and fix up a few things here and there, i think it would be a pretty good song
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win