#1
I was just making this up as I went, so please critique as harshly as possible. c4c

As I drifted, free as a cloud.
Floating high above the ground.
Soaring across this world wide.
As I drifted, free as a cloud.

Stars do shine way up high.
Lighting up the night sky.
Like the love you shine on me.
Stars shine so bright way up high.

The wind under my wing,
Is the happiness you bring.
Please do stay with me.
It's the wind under my wing.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#2
I think you need to find more interesting ways to express your subject matters. It just feels like the "free as a cloud","love you shine on me","happiness you bring" ideas are cliche. I also don't think I like the line repeats. Is that harsh enough?
#3
I agree. A lot of the phrases seem to be quite cliche. I do like the premise however. Come to think of it, a poem like this seems like it should be cliche (if that makes any sense).

But the last stanza seems a bit too cliche for its own good. 'Wind beneath my wings' - reminds my of that famous song from a while back (forgot who sang it though )
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
Last edited by FueLsTp at Oct 18, 2009,
#4
Quote by 24WildRovers
I was just making this up as I went, so please critique as harshly as possible. c4c

As I drifted, free as a cloud.
Floating high above the ground.
Soaring across this world wide.
As I drifted, free as a cloud.
It is decent. I am not a fan of "this world wide"...it just does not do it for me. It made me double take when reading this because it did not process as much sense first time around. Repeating line 1 as your forth line is a great idea here. I would still prefer a different line for line 4 but what you did still works, especially because you continue to do it.



Stars do shine way up high.
Lighting up the night sky.
Like the love you shine on me.
Stars shine so bright way up high.
I despise the first line here. I think the word "do" disrupts the flow tremendously. It just does not roll of the tongue. It is a bit cliche too. i did not like this verse in general. I understand that you did this quickly and everything but this is all brain-dead material to me. I know it is hard to make a great poem writing a first draft quickly (original Heaven's Ring). OK so "like the love you shine on me" is so corny I can't believe my eyes. It is very tough to make original not corny love songs. But turn the corn-meter down a bit.



The wind under my wing,
Is the happiness you bring.
Please do stay with me.
It's the wind under my wing.
I really like "the wind under my wing"...that is some original material right there. This is a solid verse. "Please do stay with me" really brings the rest of this verse down. It is all original (except the happiness line but you made the most out of that one I believe) and then you pull in the cliche "I need you". It is very tough but I would suggest a new 3rd line.



Overall it was alright. It was a little bit cliche and a little bit corny but it was decent. It could be made into a good song with solid music and a solid singing style but I would suggest putting a little bit of time into this one.