#1
So right now I'm trying to write a song about how I'm feeling right now (kind of depressed) that I'm calling "Blight" So far I have part (maybe all?) of the first verse down. Let me know what you honestly think. And any ideas on how to make it better would be awesome

Why were we born
in this world
amidst all this scorn
it's all just pointless
all this absurd hatred
"You're to fat,
you're to ugly
you can't talk right"
Well **** you
Can you even conceive this pain
Tell me, could you live
with this perpetual blight?
#2
Well.....Interesting

Why were we born
in this world
amidst all this scorn
it's all just pointless
all this absurd hatred
Just switch a couple words so it reads
"all this hatred, absud," Then you should add the line
"There's nothing I haven't heard."

"You're to fat,
you're to ugly
you can't talk right"
Well **** you
This preceding line is a little much in my opinion. But of course it could always work for a heavy metal song, or something like that.
Can you even conceive this pain
Tell me, could you live
with this perpetual blight?

This is not too bad, I'd like to hear more for this. Good Luck Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
I agree with 24's comments. Switching the words around to "all this hatred, absurd; There's/That's nothing I haven't heard" flows much better. The last three lines I like as well.

I do not like the following lines:

"You're to fat,
you're to ugly
you can't talk right"
Well **** you

I think this would have the same effect without those four lines. Then again, it depends on what you want out of this.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#4
All right thanks guys. I'll make a couple of these changes and write some more. I'll update this thread with more in a few days. And now that I look at it again a couple of those lines do kind of seem to much, I'll change those to
Last edited by Adisturbedone at Oct 18, 2009,