#1
In the eyes of strangers, I've
finally found the confidence
to admit I have no
meaning in myself;
I buried my ego
with cigarette butts in
highway medians.

I used to bleed myself
onto the sidewalks and the facades
of apartment buildings,
hoping you'd clot my
self-inflicted wounds, but
your already invoked to
another cause.

Your god and my Satan
weren't judging us;
no one remembered
to examine
my preoccupations and addictions;
but I'm already halfway met
by the ground, or the pills,
or death.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Oct 20, 2009,
#2
Doesn't really do it for me. Nothing against the writing itself, but I feel as though I can't really connect to any part of it after the first stanza. Which leads to my next point. I do like the first stanza. I think the whole thing is well written, but the first stanza has a good bit of meaning to it as well.

"In the eyes of strangers, I've
finally found the confidence
to admit I have no
confidence in myself;"

That is the part I really like. Very relate-able as well. I think it's a great line.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#3
In the eyes of strangers, I've
finally found the confidence
to admit I have no
confidence in myself;
I buried my ego
with cigarette butts in
highway medians.
I like the imagery given about the 'strangers eyes.' But repeating confidence in both the second and fourth line seems a little repetative, but I cannot imagine anything else that could go there so just leave it for right now.
The neon signs bleed themselves
onto the sidewalks and the facades
of apartment buildings,
hoping I'll clot their self-inflicted
wounds, but
I'm already invoked to
another cause.
Again the imagery is magnificent.
Religion wasn't witnessing my
invocations; no one remembered
to examine
my preoccupations and addictions;
but I'm already halfway met
by the ground, or the gun,
or the pills.
It might just be me, but the way you split the first line into the the second line seemed to chop it up too much. And you did the same thing from the second line to the third. Then the last line here seemed to have too few syllables, but sense it is the end of the poem, it should be all right.

Overall I think this is a very good poem. I think the imagery is very well writen Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#4
Quote by hippieboy444
In the eyes of strangers, I've
finally found the confidence
to admit I have no
confidence in myself;
I buried my ego
with cigarette butts in
highway medians.
Repeating confidence really brought down the potential you had to start this poem on a great foot. You have a great message there but repeating confidence just bugged me a little bit and took away from your meaning. I also cannot feel the flow because of the repetition. I feel like the second confidence will come at the end and so while I read this I kind of stop my beat on confidence and then feel the need to add "in myself" onto the end of that. After that, solid first verse and great meaning.

The neon signs bleed themselves
onto the sidewalks and the facades
of apartment buildings,
hoping I'll clot their self-inflicted
wounds, but
I'm already invoked to
another cause.
I like the imagery here but I feel like it falls short in meaning. I realize what message you are trying to send here but I feel like you fail to send it. Perhaps a little more symbolism or rephrasing will help your cause.

religion wasn't witnessing my
invocations; no one remembered
to examine
my preoccupations and addictions;
but I'm already halfway met
by the ground, or the gun,
or the pills.
I feel like this verse is solid up until the end. I think "or the pills" falls short for your intentions. I also feel like it is not that great of a line to end this song on. I think you can come up with something stronger than that. "Pills" is too close to a cliche to give me your full effect.


It has a very deep meaning. I just feel it needs a little more punch to grow from solid to fantastic.
#5
Thank you all for the criticism. I revised it so if you could give me more feedback, it'd be magnificent