#1
I posted my original very basic groundwork on this and here is what I accomplished out of it.

Edit: 3 parts, last part is one line but the most important one. Can a man get a critique around here?

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Heaven’s Ring

This ring is entrusted to you
By the whitest doves in Lord’s company
The words on it glow with His truth
To aid you on your quest to be free

You’re on top of the world
The golden calf is in your hand
Hidden in your closet, gold swirled
There you saw the prettiest ring stand

You sit on the streets, a beggar
The moths turned into butterflies
They received the colorful swagger
And the ring shines as bright as the skies

Lying on the brink of death
You’re odyssey is finished at last
You see The Word at dying breath
Your life has finally passed

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I am twenty-six years old
My latest patient died, left no will
He had a ring made of gold
Said it was mine as he was ill
I picked it up and everything changed
The room darkened quickly
Through the window a light arranged
Doves swirled around me swiftly
I heard a voice of mighty tone
“Hold this ring near and dear
Live the message that is shown
And you shall have no fear”
The world seemed more colorful
I watched as a moth turned into a butterfly
I shall follow the ring in full
Forever and always, ‘til the day I die

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Remember, this too shall pass.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 19, 2009,
#2
Ok, so I'm not good at critiquing but I'll give it a try.

I don't know if you meant for it to be this way, but to me it seems like part 2 should come first. It seeems like part 1 is expounding on the thought of part 2.

I don't exactly understand what the ring is supposed to be or do, but maybe i'm just not reading close enough.

Thirdly, the line "The world seemed more colorful" just didn't seem to quite fit rhythmicly. I dont know why.

But like I said, I'm just trying to give you some kind of criticizm (it say's to be harsh in your sig) Overall a very good piece
I hate my sig