#1

I can't get it out of my head. That image is going to haunt me forever. No one that young should ever have to be where that kid sat yesterday.

"Come on, Kate. Shake it off. Not the first time we've seen this."

"You're right." You're always right, Kevin. "Help me up."

"Not the first time he's seen it, either. he'll be alright. Just give him some time."

Yeah right. What I saw yesterday....
I was on my way home from Jacob's house when I saw him. Just sitting alone on the curb, crying, incessantly rubbing his skin in an ill-conceived attempt to wipe the blood off. I almost threw up to the smell of gunsmoke and the burning chunks of meat in his hair.

"Holy shit !! What happened ?" It took everything I had to hold my stomach in as I put my arms around him. Even my touch couldn't get him to stop shaking.

"They killed him." He doesn't look at me when he talks. He just stares ahead, wide and teary eyed. "They were aiming for me, but they hit him." Until then, I hadn't noticed he was hurt, but wounds began showing through the drying blood. Two bullet holes in his chest, and deep cuts all over. Too deep to be a knife, but who would come after a kid with a sword ?

And this kid....
He couldn't have been more than seven years old, and yet here he was, barely taking notice of injuries that would have dropped most marines.

"What's your name ?" I ask carefully, but I need to know something...

At first he doesn't answer. He just sits there, thinking. When he finally looks at me, I can see the growing fear in his eyes, and he whispers "I don't remember."

He'd forgotten everything. He's the luckiest orphan in the world. "Come on, Jesse. Let's get you cleaned up." Jesse's parents must have been the most negligent on Earth, they probably wouldn't notice if their son suddenly grew half a foot, turned brunette, and his eyes turned blue.

"Kevin ?"

"Yes Kate ?"

"Do you think he'll be happier now, living like that ?"

"Well, at least little Keny's not an orphan anymore."
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Oct 19, 2009,
#2
The only problem I found was the disconnection between character jumps. I became lost with who was who and what they were doing. Who is Kevin and Kate? I'm assuming Jesse is the seven year old boy in the street, and he's an orphan?

Yeah, I mean, it's really tense and touching, but it's lost. I'm lost.

Are you Jesse? Is this 13 years before? Or are you Kevin?
I think it needs clearing up, personally. I really admire the horror the piece has, though.
What relation do Kevin and Kate actually have? Why are they there? That's my concern.
#3
Well I actually wanted it to be confusing for now, but seeing how the rest of this little story isn't written yet, I might as well tell you,
Jesse was the kid that was murdered
Keny was the orphan that's replacing him
Kate and Kevin are both friends of the two kids
and it happens 13 years before the other piece in my sig
#5
It is a bit confusing so far but once you get to the end it becomes clearer. Although, the character interaction is a bit all over the place. I like the ending statement a lot. I do not like that mention of the sword though. It just doesn't seem to fit in.

Oh and spelling error - 'wip' is missing the 'e' at the end.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -