#1
So this is a song a wrote a long time ago. This is my first time posting in S&L, just decided i'd see what you guys think if my lyrics. The meaning of them might not be clear in some parts, but it's meant to be like that. Interpreit them however you want

Holding on
To something from long ago
Something's wrong
And it's hidden beneath the snow

Pre-chorus
There's something inside me
Holding me back from you
There's a part of me
That doesn't know what to do

Chorus
But now I can breathe again
I'll never let you out of my sight
But now I can see the end
And we'll never get things right

Verse2
A second chance
A ray of light from above
My one last chance
To say goodbye to this love

(Pre-chorus)
(Chorus)

Bridge
I can see you, in the dark of the night
Holding on to what is real
You'll
See
That I cannot let go

End

I don't really like the last line and I know it's mediocre, I wrote it when I was like 16. But let me know what you think
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Last edited by QuantumMechanix at Oct 19, 2009,
#2
I could feel the beat to this song except for the first verse. I feel like the structure that the first verse has does not match the structure you have with the rest of the song. I do like the lyrics though, they are cliche at times but I feel like this song has a nice little flow to it as a simple acoustic or classic rock type song.

The last verse didn't do it for me either. My main problem is it seemed like your were looking for a way to end your song but you were not feeling your end. You didn't just let it flow out of you. You seemed to be loose this whole song but not in your last verse.

If I were you I would mess around with the first and last verses.

Please return the favor and critique Heaven's Ring (official version)
#3
Quote by 21wickwing
I could feel the beat to this song except for the first verse. I feel like the structure that the first verse has does not match the structure you have with the rest of the song. I do like the lyrics though, they are cliche at times but I feel like this song has a nice little flow to it as a simple acoustic or classic rock type song.

The last verse didn't do it for me either. My main problem is it seemed like your were looking for a way to end your song but you were not feeling your end. You didn't just let it flow out of you. You seemed to be loose this whole song but not in your last verse.

If I were you I would mess around with the first and last verses.

Please return the favor and critique Heaven's Ring (official version)

there's only two verses. Do you mean bridge or do you not like either verse?
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#6
Funny thing is, I wrote the bridge like a year after I finished the rest. Maybe thats why it sounds out of place. And yeah it does have a classic rock kind of feel to it. Anyway, thanks for the crit, I critted your song too
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#7
Quote by thucydides
terribly cliche.

Could you be a bit more constructive with your feedback? Try reading between the lines a little. It's suppoed to be simple and it's a song not a poem.

It's really not one of my better songs lyrically but I was 16 at the time
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#8
I liked it. The chorus reminded me of that song "I am barely breathing". And I don't think that the last line is out of place. Pretty good for when you were sixteen.