#1
I have posted this here before, but I have revised it, and need some serious critique before using it for one of my AP English poems that I have to write.

I wrote this about one of my dear friends who took his own life about two months ago. This will be mentioned before the poem, as per teacher's instruction.

As the fragile, innocent boy wanders down
streets running thick with masked insecurity,
he wonders what the pretty ladies are doing just standing there
his mind not yet plastered with ideas of,
sick fantasies and willful nymphomania
he will one day acknowledge and ignore,
but the world just seems so pure
through the filtered gaze of a child.

The boy returns home untarnished
And unphased by the day’s events,
Only to step into a whirlwind of
Raving emotion and misplaced anger,
That he covers with long sleeves and bandages
And suddenly the world seems to tint,
The pretty ladies are now whores and sluts
The men are now gangsters and addicts,
And suddenly growing up doesn’t seem
So delightful.

Having donned a freshly stained shirt
And woken up his parents for “work”,
He makes his way to his sanctuary
Where the wind soothes him,
And the scent of the sea and car exhaust meld
Into a bittersweet cocktail of the suburb,
His eyes following the carefree ripples
Of the shifty water below him,
His mind begins to wander.
To a place where the scent of the sea
Isn’t tainted by the fumes of machines,
And a place where nice ladies are just standing there
Mind fluttering to a promise of a preacher,
He stares into the eloquently smoothed water below
And he jumps.
But his dreams of a perfect world
Are not realized,
Simply forgotten and replaced
With nothingness.

C4C, as always. Long time no see, S&L
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#2
Quote by Wulphy
I have posted this here before, but I have revised it, and need some serious critique before using it for one of my AP English poems that I have to write.

I wrote this about one of my dear friends who took his own life about two months ago. This will be mentioned before the poem, as per teacher's instruction.

As the fragile, innocent boy wanders down
streets running thick with masked insecurity,
he wonders what the pretty ladies are doing just standing there
his mind not yet plastered with ideas of,
sick fantasies and willful nymphomania
he will one day acknowledge and ignore,
but the world just seems so pure
through the filtered gaze of a child.
Starts the build, nice and descriptive making a solid backing for the rest of the poem

The boy returns home untarnished
And unphased by the day’s events,
Only to step into a whirlwind of
Raving emotion and misplaced anger,
That he covers with long sleeves and bandages
And suddenly the world seems to tint,
The pretty ladies are now whores and sluts
The men are now gangsters and addicts,
And suddenly growing up doesn’t seem
So delightful.
Loss of innocence, great theme.

Having donned a freshly stained shirt
And woken up his parents for “work”,
He makes his way to his sanctuary
Where the wind soothes him,
And the scent of the sea and car exhaust meld
Into a bittersweet cocktail of the suburb,
His eyes following the carefree ripples
Of the shifty water below him,
His mind begins to wander.
To a place where the scent of the sea
Isn’t tainted by the fumes of machines,
And a place where nice ladies are just standing there
Mind fluttering to a promise of a preacher,
He stares into the eloquently smoothed water below
And he jumps.
But his dreams of a perfect world
Are not realized,
Simply forgotten and replaced
With nothingness.
Nice climax + release of tension


Overall, great theme and flow of tension. You have a great way of choosing words and using them without making the piece look/sound cluttered. Great job, the description of this boy's mind before realizing his place in the world and as he jumps is chilling... it really makes me think.

You're poem has actually moved me. It's very intense, whether that was intended or not. I dunno if you're into critiquing rock songs or anything but I would appreciate you taking a look at mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1218312. Thank you
#3
Quote by Superstrat101
Overall, great theme and flow of tension. You have a great way of choosing words and using them without making the piece look/sound cluttered. Great job, the description of this boy's mind before realizing his place in the world and as he jumps is chilling... it really makes me think.

You're poem has actually moved me. It's very intense, whether that was intended or not. I dunno if you're into critiquing rock songs or anything but I would appreciate you taking a look at mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1218312. Thank you


Thank you for the kind words, I will crit yours as soon as I get back from work.

Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#4
As the fragile, innocent boy wanders down
streets running thick with masked insecurity,
he wonders what the pretty ladies are doing just standing there
his mind not yet plastered with ideas of,
sick fantasies and willful nymphomania
he will one day acknowledge and ignore,
but the world just seems so pure
through the filtered gaze of a child.

{great intro. Word choice is excellent and anyone can put themselves in these shoes which is a huge advantage}

The boy returns home untarnished
And unphased by the day’s events,
Only to step into a whirlwind of
Raving emotion and misplaced anger,
That he covers with long sleeves and bandages
And suddenly the world seems to tint,
The pretty ladies are now *****s and sluts
The men are now gangsters and addicts,
And suddenly growing up doesn’t seem
So delightful.

{I like the references back to the women. You reveal the truth in a gentle but harsh way. Tricky!}

Having donned a freshly stained shirt
And woken up his parents for “work”,
He makes his way to his sanctuary
Where the wind soothes him,
And the scent of the sea and car exhaust meld
Into a bittersweet cocktail of the suburb,
His eyes following the carefree ripples
Of the shifty water below him,
His mind begins to wander.
To a place where the scent of the sea
Isn’t tainted by the fumes of machines,
And a place where nice ladies are just standing there
Mind fluttering to a promise of a preacher,
He stares into the eloquently smoothed water below
And he jumps.
But his dreams of a perfect world
Are not realized,
Simply forgotten and replaced
With nothingness.

{This was my favorite. "To a place where the scent of the sea
Isn’t tainted by the fumes of machines" Friggin brilliant line dude. this whole stanza is filled with lines that stick to you. great climax and ending}

Over all, I loved. I can relate to this alot, my mom commited suicide when I was 17. I really think you captured the emotions and thoughts here. Sorry to hear about your loss.
#5
I honestly dont know what to say, it is one of the best pieces of work that I have seen in a very very long time. Keep it up!
#6
Thank you both
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah