#1
the great lakes part one: onto!


to the left,
carve something out of something for me to read,
an oak tree,
some scribbled scripture circling a fenced in cemetery,
climb to the tip tip tip
top and tie your shoelaces around the
highest limb,
tell me what you see,
tell me if you even see anything at all.
come down now unevenly,
leave the forest for the car and the interstate,
the shorelines of huron and the
great lakes that reside within you and the
the great lakes that smile with you.
we approach the pier and there's a billboard that reads
'look away',
so we do,
to the left tall trees and the right
climbable cliffs surrounded by
waterlogged myths of how many men
died to make this bridge,
'i like you' i said,
'i like you too,
i think'.
no more lies,
from here
on.
Last edited by rushmore at Oct 20, 2009,
#2
"great lakes that reside within you and the
the great lakes that smile with you."

sometimes I hate you for coming up with the shit you do come up with.

I didn't like the ending too much
but everything else,
including part 1 which I didn't comment on
was so sick
I can't wait for the next

I don't mean to be such a fanboy but
so many great lines here.
#3
i fycking love it and feel like the ending is a goal for me so I like that too. I think it was a good ending. You've had more powerful but this one in its hesitance holds greatness I think.. I don't know. I love your stuff..
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
the only thing i didn't like was
"do you see anything at all?"
just felt a little cliched surrounded by so much brilliance.
#5
too much of a story, not enough to support it. be more descriptive of the surroundings to support the grand nature of the piece, I guess.

very nice besides that!
#7
thank you all very much. i think i returned all or most crits. ill work on it.
#8
Quote by rushmore
the great lakes part one: onto!


to the left,
carve something out of something for me to read,

This line sounds a bit awkward to me. The something out of something.

great lakes that reside within you and the
the great lakes that smile with you.

Yeah.. I really like this line.

we approach the pier and there's a billboard that reads
'look away',
so we do,
to the left tall trees and the right
climbable cliffs surrounded by
waterlogged myths of how many men
died to make this bridge,
'i like you' i said,
'i like you too,
i think'.
no more lies,
from here
on.

I like this part a lot but something just seems missing for me. I can't put my finger on it however.


As everyone else said, good stuff here. But throughout most of this, I had a feeling that something was missing. Maybe like Thucy said, too much story and not enough description.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#9
i understand what you're saying.
there are going to be probably six parts to this,
one for each great lake which tell the story of each encounter/experience/whatever and one final piece or maybe one somewhere in the middle describing the characters more or just an elaboration of what is taking place besides what i am giving you in these poems.
idk if that made sense, if not, you'll see eventually hopefully.