#1
Rain to Snow

It was raining outside as I sat in class
I pondered about life, words, and wisdom
Staring out the window, waiting as time passed
The miracle of rain- my life source

Thoughts passed through my mind
People, things they did, clichés
Boy oh boy how I would like this rain to pass to snow
Oh how necessary it is to change

Half rain, half snow now
It is divine mathematics
Derivates represent a change yet we
Stay the same, no matter the cost

Thoughts passed through my mind
People, things they did, clichés
Boy oh boy how I would like this rain to pass to snow
Oh how necessary it is to change

Snow covered the ground
Transformation complete
I changed pound for pound
The miracle of snow- white poetry

Oh how we need to change
How necessary it is to change
Like rain to snow
Like life to poetry
Last edited by 21wickwing at Apr 8, 2011,
#2
It was raining outside as I sat in class
I pondered about life, words, and wisdom
Staring at the rain, waiting as time passed
The miracle of rain, my life source

Strong opening. The only issue I have is the repetition of rain in the last two lines, it doesn't really add anything and seems a little tired. Maybe try a different word choice in the final line?

Thoughts passed through my mind
People, things they did, clichés
Boy oh boy how I would like this rain to pass to snow
Oh how necessary it is to change

The third line ruins the flow, you have far too many syllables in there.

Half rain, half snow now
Derivatives on the chalkboard
What tendencies people vow
Stay the same, no matter the cost

I liked this, honest and to the point.

Thoughts passed through my mind
People, things they did, clichés
Boy oh boy how I would like this rain to pass to snow
Oh how necessary it is to change

Snow covered the ground
Transformation complete
I changed pound for pound
The miracle of snow, white poetry

The last line of this stanza is brilliant!

Oh how we need to change
Yeah yeah
How necessary it is to change
Like rain to snow
Like life to poetry

Pretty solid ending. I didn't like the "yeah yeah" - it seems a bit lazy. Then again, it's probably just personal preference

I really liked this piece, it was reflective without being pretentious. You had some killer lines in there! Keep writing. Thanks for the crit on my piece by the way, I appreciate it