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#41
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
#43
Quote by dhutton
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.



Amazingly funny - sorry for the double post but I had to applaud this
I have awesome hair
#44
whats cooking good looking.
Quote by ep1kz


i've yet to see somebody overthink something as incredibly as you just have

#47
Not necessarily a dirty pick up line, but extremely bizarre and creepy situation I found myself in...

As we're waiting for my mum to pick us up, this guy comes over with a plastic shopping bag full of new bedsheets and toaster brochures.

"Hi there, I'd like to talk to you girls about your faith."

"Uh... we're kind of going..."

"Do you believe in God?"

"No."

"Well, anyway... what do you know of the bible?"

(My friend) "Well, I've taken some of the ten commandments. Don't kill people and don't f*** your neighbour's wife seemed pretty reasonable, anyhow that's the same as most other religions."

"Okay, great, the ten commandments is a great place to start. The thing about adultery is really interesting too. You know, how most of the bible isn't meant to be taken literally. But what that means there, what the message is... you know it's worse for me to look at you and think about doing things to you, than it is if I were too actually touch you? Like, if I were to stand here and look at you and do things to you in my head, or imagine you doing things, that's worse than if I were to actually do things to you? Thinking about commiting a sin like adultery is a much greater sin because I'm allowing myself to think it, but if I were to act on it without a thought and regret it later, that's actually much better."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.


He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#48
Sooo...had any good dick lately
#25 for top 100 UGer of 2009
UG's 2nd Funniest UGer and 3rd most likely to be a Serial Killer of 2009, 2nd of 2011
#50
I have the entire dictionary tattooed on my penis, how about we go back to my place and I can put some words in your mouth.
#53
"Hi there, I saw you across the room and just had to come and introduce myself! Would you care to service complete strangers to fund my escalating drug habit?"
#55
Do you come here often?

...

Do you wanna "come" here right now?
Currently Looking For:
NES: Zelda (Gold Cart), Metroid, Ninja Turtles Series
N64: Mario 64, Majora's Mask, Harvest Moon
#56
Lets say we go for a pizza and a fuck??..... What, you dont like pizza?
#57
*singing like a gravely-voiced black guy* BAAABY BAAAABY! I WANNA PUT MAH PENIS IN YOUR VAGINA!
#59
Quote by hide_the_beer
I wish you were my homework so I could slam you on my desk and do you all night long




I love this one. I'm remembering it for later.
#60
You go up to a girl and say "what is the best thing you can put behind your ears?"

They look all confused and ask "I dunno, earings?"

Then you look at her with a dirty cheesy grin and say "Your ankels"
#62
hey you wanna taste my searchbar??

/lame
Quote by frankv
Tokio Hotel is probably the worst thing Germany has produced since WW2.


#63
Quote by Toast1337
hey you wanna taste my searchbar??

/lame



"My friend likes you."
"Where is your friend?"

#64
"You. Me. Your house. Now."

Yup. Works everytime.
My Gear:
Gibson SG Classic
Les Paul knockoff >.>
Vox VT30 with footswitch
EHX Big Muff w/ Tone Wicker
#65
did u fart cause you blew me away
Sarcasm is beautiful, think about it.
#67
Quote by DIV ON!
did u fart cause you blew me away


Lord almighty, favourite line in the thread, so sigged.
#68
Castles made of sand
Fall to the sea
Eventually
Last edited by toby3p0 at Oct 21, 2009,
#69
If you and I were squirrels, would you let me pop my nuts into your hole?
Quote by BobMarleysGhost
Death Erection would make a great Old School Death Metal or Thrash band name.


Quote by Zero-Hartman
I'd take on Courtney Love, punch her right in the penis.


#71
Quote by Well.......
"I would like to have a nice and caring relationship with you."


I feel so dirty just typing it.


thats sick man...........



my fave is ' hey would you like to kiss a rabbit in between the ears?'

proceeed to pull out your pockets on your pants

'wanna try?'
#72
If I give you £5, will you take a dump on my chest?

Quote by kickstartkiss
thats sick man...........



my fave is ' hey would you like to kiss a rabbit in between the ears?'

proceeed to pull out your pockets on your pants

'wanna try?'


That works better if you say 'elephant's trunk' instead of 'rabbit in between the ears'.
Last edited by SlackerBabbath at Oct 20, 2009,
#73
Quote by dhutton
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.


outstanding.
#74
Quote by So-Cal
Lets say we go for a pizza and a fuck??..... What, you dont like pizza?

I have a friend who's actually used this one... or at least the first half of it before getting slapped.
Quote by dr_shred
FrustratedRocka you are a legend

Quote by littlephil

The man clearly knows his shit.

Quote by Banjocal


one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#75
Quote by SlackerBabbath
If I give you £5, will you take a dump on my chest?


That works better if you say 'elephant's trunk' instead of 'rabbit in between the ears'.



i didnt make it up pal,
i would have been much more vulgar
#76
Quote by kickstartkiss
i didnt make it up pal,
i would have been much more vulgar


I saw a mate of mine do that one (elephant's trunk) on a woman once, and he actualy got his penis out as well.

But to give her all due respect, she actualy came back with a great line, she said 'If I give it a bun, will it stuff it up your arse?'
#78
"You, me, some handcuffs, a whip, a can of whipped cream and all your hottest mates. What do you think?"

"What winks and f**ks like a beast?" "What?" ""

(not really a dirty one, but i'm throwing this in for the lolz)
"Can I get you a drink?" "Sure" "Would you like a wormdo?" "What's a wormdo?" "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like this" (wiggle your finger like a worm)
Quote by Heilz
When backstage and talkin to the ladies i always go with the ¨Mines is bigger than theirs¨ argument as me bro holds hes guitar and i take out my bass... It works wonders @,@


Gear list:
Squire Affinity P-Bass
Ashdown Mag300 Evo II
Boss ODB-3
#79
You Know I'm Really Wired. What Do You Say I Take You Home and Eat Your Pussy?

(Bonus points for getting the reference)
¯|(°_o)/¯
#80
"Get your coat, i've got a knife"
Say hi

Playing: Sleeping Dogs, FIFA 13, Guild Wars 2, Borderlands 2
Reading: The Hobbit

Watching: How I met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, 24

Listening: Muse - The 2nd Law