#1
hush,
I think I hear a voice from
down the well-
trapped between
it's own echoes
missing daughters,
watery eyes,
and "I'm sure she's doing well"'s
all her friends know she's skin and bones
send food down in the bucket
a secret for a buck and
a penny for good luck
just throw it down

I said throw it down!
throw down your whole
fucking fortune
coin by coin
one confession at a time.
sell the house,
burn the beds and
the dolls and teddy-bears
damn the braces and
confirmation dresses,
rip her journal to shreds
and wreck the family tapes,
sit in the vacant space and
listen to the story her sister tells

ohhhh hush hush hush!
I want to see it in you!
a drop in the bucket's
not worth a damn thing to you
but it's worth a fortune
when the damn thing's empty
so cut the rope
count the seconds before it reaches
the bottom stones and
listen to the story her sister tells and
tell me what it feels like
to find out that the lion and the lamb
have been sleeping together
for the past twenty-six years
tell me tell me tell me
tell me tell me tell me
or I'll show you
how cold it feels down there
in the viper's den

and how sweet a child she was!
Last edited by circular.parade at Oct 28, 2009,
#2
"haven't your daughter gone missing" <== I don't think "haven't" is right there. it should be "hasn't". "haven't" would be "haven't your daughterS gone missing".

that's really all that threw me with this. well written and enjoyable as always.
#3
and tell me how it feels like
to find out that
the lion and the lamb
have been sleeping together
for the past twenty-six years


i loved that bit ^

i really enjoyed all of this though, i do agree with kdowns about the 'havent your daughter...'' seems like it should be hasn't. maybe im missing something though so ill just read it again and see.

thank you for this.
#4
:]

Pretty good for a Habs fan.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
"one confession at a time
and tell me how it feels like
to find out that"

this was the only hiccup I found. tell me how it feels like to find out?

the like should be removed imo
#6
aye this was very nice. How it heats up and rolls and builds then lifts off in the last line... really well structured. It plays well into the themes. You're voice is refreshing.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
thanks for the comments guys.

I edited this considerably. I thought it didn't have half the voice I wanted it to have.

Returning comments to anyone who leaves a link, as usual.