#1
It's dark in this room that is not mine
Puken on the phone, im believing every line
Common sense gone as is my pride
My submission is all that is on my mind
It sounds angry but why?

All reasons said i cannot comprehend
Trying to make this work
The thought is all in my head
It has no face it has no name
Just a distorted personality that one cannot tame

It shape-shifts into my fidelity
mostly turns into trivial faults
I'm not perfect and it should know
Why would it show such negligence?

Why cant i just say her name and make her go?
I would feel this way even if she wasn't here.
#2
Quote by Beanstalk7
It's dark in this room that is not mine
Puken on the phone, im believing every line
Common sense gone as is my pride
My submission is all that is on my mind
It sounds angry but why?

the line about common sense is awkward

All reasons said i cannot comprehend
Trying to make this work
The thought is all in my head
It has no face it has no name
Just a distorted personality that one cannot tame

that one cannot tame is also awkward, maybe "I cannot tame"?

It shape-shifts into my fidelity
mostly turns into trivial faults
I'm not perfect and it should know
Why would it show such negligence?

this is probably the best stanza, still the wording is awkward

Why cant i just say her name and make her go?
I would feel this way even if she wasn't here.

you go from "it" to "she" for absolutely no reason. pick one and use it through out. personally, I'd go with she. these two lines are unnecessary anyway


The idea behind this isn't bad, but the execution is poor. I used the word awkward a lot. This is very awkward to read. I think if you go back and refine your wording and some of the other things I pointed out, this could be very good.

take a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1214608
I want Super Saiyan abilities