father, you coalesced with the city cement
made friends with the cigarette butts,
styrofoam cups, the neon women
who breathed down your spine
with artistic precision. under a leaky ceiling,
you both reeked of sewer fruit,
made waves while the rats awaited your remains,
and smog birds sang dirges in solemn voices
on that night i was conceived.

father, you coalesced with the city cement
and mother, i lost you to the wilderness.
i came into this world with a condom on,
and maybe it was for the best.
here, My Dear, here it is
I'm really liking these dark gritty city metaphors you build into your pieces. It really gives it another level of life. You are fast climbing into my list of favourite writers.
there is so much i should have been able to connect to in this. but there was nothing in here that showed me that you had any actual caring for the characters involved. you lost your mother to the wilderness. you. lost. your. MOTHER. and she only gets one line?!?!

this is so detached. wheres the devestation implied in the imagery? where's the personality? you bring in an I, this whole piece is defined by the 'I' involved, but there is no fleshing out of the 'I', just an implication of a silhouette.

Some poems need to be short because they are about short things. this was about something long and needed the lines to react accordingly. you are dealing, whether you like it or not, with the concept of family. if you write it off with general imagery and feigned emotion thats what your audience is going to feel.

I'm sure many will adore this but to me this was so far away from a poem to me. it was just a writing exercise with a witticism at the end and nothing to actual link this back to a specific narrator, the lens through which we are seeing the content.

also, the duplicity/dialogue/doubling manifested in the title and alluded to in the piece needs to come out much more in order to have an effect on me. Because now I have no idea where I'm supposed to take it to.
thanks, i get a lot of what you're saying. i guess i was too much on the abstract side of things and lost sight of developing the characters. this is one of my many, many drawbacks as a writer: i write about concepts that have a lot of relevance to me personally and they affect me but they are far too vague and detached for anyone else to connect with them. it appears i've done that again. thanks for the honest crit
here, My Dear, here it is
Mmmm scrumptious imagery, I'll get back to this later... But if I don't I'll get to the next one.
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist

e-married to
& alaskan_ninja