#1
Its been a long time since i last wrote. Be gentle. haha


Verse 1
You knew who I was
from the begining
I watched you
forget me
so simply, so secure
If i saw you now
What would I wish for
that you could know me
once more?

Chorus
Did I fail you
Did I fail us
Did I give up
on what we coulda had?
Did I give up, on living
a perfect storybook ending?
Did I

Verse 2
Sometimes I wonder
Should I wonder, about us?
Does that make me
choose one side
or do i hope for
that one time
that you can see me
as something more
or do I reget the moments I let pass by
that I now live for?

Chorus

Bridge
You know it easy to pretend
that we'd met and then
forget the way at looked me
the way i looked at you
One moment, one feeling
Coulda gave it all up
for meaning
But, I didnt.
I ask myself sometimes
why I let it go
the defining of my life
Do I now know?

Chorus

Outro
Endings change from moment to moment
and yet we stick around, and we know it
We make ourselves believe we can fight it
Do we even know what it is?
Or do we pretend, that we remember it?
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#2
I enjoyed it. It seemed to flow very well, though was hard to follow in some places like the beginning of the bridge. I'm interested in how it would sound when put to music.
#3
Im working on the music part as we, uh, type. I just started writing and playing again, so its a little rough on the ears. Hopefully, I can channel my menial musical talent into something decent, haha. Thanks for the crit. If you've got any pieces you would liked crit'd, then just tell me and I'll go take a look.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#4
Quote by RageGarden
Its been a long time since i last wrote. Be gentle. haha


Verse 1
You knew who I was
from the begining
I watched you
forget me
so simply, so secure
If i saw you now
What would I wish for
that you could know me
once more?
Not bad. Kind of cliche, but not bad. The flow feels a little odd, but it works.

Chorus
Did I fail you
Did I fail us
Did I give up
on what we coulda had?
Did I give up, on living
a perfect storybook ending?
Did I
Kind of catchy. Again, the flow is hard to feel without music to put it to.

Verse 2
Sometimes I wonder
Should I wonder, about us?
Does that make me
choose one side
or do i hope for
that one time
that you can see me
as something more
or do I reget the moments I let pass by
that I now live for?
The flow here completely threw me off; I really can't picture these as lyrics in my head. Also, you meant "regret" I'm sure.

Chorus

Bridge
You know it easy to pretend
that we'd met and then
forget the way at looked me
the way i looked at you
One moment, one feeling
Coulda gave it all up
for meaning
But, I didnt.
I ask myself sometimes
why I let it go
the defining of my life
Do I now know?
The bridge is nonsense. Too many grammar mistakes to really tell what you're trying to say in some parts.

Chorus

Outro
Endings change from moment to moment
and yet we stick around, and we know it
We make ourselves believe we can fight it
Do we even know what it is?
Or do we pretend, that we remember it?
Again, some of this makes little sense.


Overall, it was a decent piece. Needs a lot of work on flow and grammar in parts, but not bad. Your vocabulary could also use some work, but that's something that comes in time. Keep at it.
#5
I agree with you, Winter Sky. Its not one of my better works, but im attempting to get back in the groove. The music I have invision'd is a soft, fast kinda thing. Just havent been able to find the rigt combination. Thanks for the advice.

EDIT: I forgot to tell you why some of it is nonsensical. When I write, I dont think about whats coming out, I just put it down, so sometimes is makes sense, sometimes it doesnt. Most of the time it does, but there are times when I looked like i took it from a Dr.Seuss book.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
Last edited by RageGarden at Oct 21, 2009,