#1
"this is my body given up to the varsity team."
the song of solemn men and used women.
still wet from the tears dripping down her thighs
she feels decimated
and transubstantiated
but what substance did those boys see in her to begin with?

corpus kristie burned her wedding dress
and now i feel i must confess it
turned me off to see just how her white lace
went up in the blackest smoke
corpus kristie, why don't you miss me?
was i just too good to you?
should i have used you? lovingly abused you?
or nailed you to the cross that lay upon your chest?

school gets out and lockers slam like dominoes
everyone gasps successively because everybody knows
that the practice squad is casting lots for her clothes
in the locker room where she lay bare and alone

corpus kristie went home that day and
gave her white clothes a coat of black spray
i must confess it turned me off
to see her like that; unleavened and broken
corpus kristie, why don't you miss me?
was i just too good to you?
should i have used you? lovingly abused you?
or nailed you to the cross that lay upon your chest?
#DTWD
#2
First of all I loved how you used corpus christi as a metaphor for girl's name because it's latin for "body of christ". Is it about what I think it's about? I'm pretty sure I know because it gave me a clue when your said:

still wet from the tears dripping down her thighs

Overall I think it's a great piece. Unless you already have a melody in mind, I would suggest just making a few tweeks to make it flow better. A solid melody can make a good song great. And I especially liked this part:

corpus kristie, why don't you miss me?
was i just too good to you?
should i have used you? lovingly abused you?
or nailed you to the cross that lay upon your chest?



Would you mind taking a look at mine? I'm still just getting started with songwriting. I think I need to improve the flow of mine as well. But tell me what you think.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1219257
#3
I actually enjoyed this; and I really thought I wouldn't based on where you were going with it.

Some of it was a bit slow and meh and overly "here it is, choke on it" but otherwise I just enjoyed the way you played with the idea.

Sorry I never got back to your other one. Midterms.
#4
Amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
thansk for the crits, guys! i've hit a few of y'all back already.

and it's weird. reading through it again, it seems pretty dark. i had it planned out really poppy as far as the instrumentation/melody goes.

i guess i'm twisted.

thanks again, guys. if i forget to crit anyone back, just let me know via PM. not willingly ignoring anyone.
#DTWD
#7
Quote by BigE254
First of all I loved how you used corpus christi as a metaphor for girl's name because it's latin for "body of christ". Is it about what I think it's about? I'm pretty sure I know because it gave me a clue when your said:


basically, yeah. i was thinking back to a lecture in high school about sexual undertones of the eucharist. came up with the pun and went from there essentially using my mental notes from the class to construct the "extended metaphor" of sorts (read: stupid puns like "song of solemn men", et al )

it's basically just a typical thing about this girl who gives it up to these jerks (i guess it kind of turns into a gang rape honestly) and she loses all respect for herself. i was going to add a verse about her then venturing into drugs and alcohol (sangria kristie ... sangre christi ... ahhh? AHHH?) but decided to keep it simple.
#DTWD
#9
Quote by primusfan

should i have used you? lovingly abused you?
or nailed you to the cross that lay upon your chest?

I wasn't a particularly big fan of those lines there,

I liked this for the most part, though it feels a little too straightforward and "unelaborate" at times
I thought it was clever, using the city's name instead of hers, and that third stanza was totally bomb (compliment)

Also, I feel like pointing out Corpus Cristi really is one of my favorite places to go when I have a few days to myself and some friends

I feel like I haven't said much, but if you wouldn't mind a looksie at my latest, you'd earn my undying gratitude
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22056956#post22056956
#10
Quote by greyeyedfire
I wasn't a particularly big fan of those lines there,

I liked this for the most part, though it feels a little too straightforward and "unelaborate" at times
I thought it was clever, using the city's name instead of hers, and that third stanza was totally bomb (compliment)

Also, I feel like pointing out Corpus Cristi really is one of my favorite places to go when I have a few days to myself and some friends

I feel like I haven't said much, but if you wouldn't mind a looksie at my latest, you'd earn my undying gratitude
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22056956#post22056956


those lines i feel are relevant though because it relates to the metaphor. i'm actually referring to corpus christi in its literal meaning, "body of christ" ... except in this instance ... "body of kristie."

the eucharistic act is very similar to that of the sexual act. "this is my body given up for you" etc. so it's kind of showing the perversion of the sacred. except in this instance its the perversion of this young girl's purity and self-respect.

but yeah, i'll definitely crit ya back!
#DTWD