#1
i've forgotten,
just what it is and that forgetting made it exactly what
i always wanted it to be,
something it isn't.
peculiar,
is it not?
delicacies i paint grey and white and then call blue,
tears hanging on strings from telephone trees,
roots all dangle and hang from the receiver,
a package left at the doorstep of a homeless house,
never to be received a parcel i will now forget about.
endless flights of stairs back to the call of my apartment,
answer and
hang up.
i will sleep with you tonight but i will not,
WILL NOT,
enjoy it.
most likely eyes wide open,
most likely stirring and
shaking the sheets that are
too thin to protect me,
from what?
you tell me.
i get up and go to the bank,
i had plans of killing the clerk but he gave me all my money as i asked,
twenty seven dollars and twenty three cents,
enough to buy me a new jacket or
thought process.
maybe ill invest it into my sleep schedule,
or a non profitable organization that profits off my
amnesia and
hysteria and
practical jokes that only worsen the latter.
probably not though,
i'll buy some cigarettes,
a pack of gum,
go home and burn telephone books to exercise my chimney a little.
you said it would be better but i don't know who
you are so why did i listen?
will you bake me a cake?
will you look me in the eyes and then look away?
will you tell me what it is i was going to say?
probably not,
so stop bothering me and go to sleep,
fu.ck you and
everybody,
except her, her, him, him, her and
me.
i didn't mean that,
what i said just now,
it's just that i'm tired and
my pregnant cat refuses to lay down.
this is usually where someone cues the laugh track.
where someone illuminates the 'applause' meter,
where someone does or says anything at all.
anything?
anyone?
Last edited by rushmore at Oct 23, 2009,
#2
I REALLY loved it, but I do have a few complaints.

it starts off kind of wordy and got me thinking right from the beginning "Oh, I won't enjoy this as much as I usually do." I thought the telephone trees alliteration was a bit too much. Homeless house didn't work for me. I just didn't like the image. from the I will sleep with you but will not enjoy it part, all the way to the end, I related so much I could swear you wrote this shit for me.

Needless to say, I greatly enjoyed the read. It's what you say, man. yes you've got ways of saying it but it's just what you say. yes.
#3
I'm going to come back when I have time to do this justice. Hopefully tomorrow morning. I'll edit in any thoughts I have as soon as possible.
#4
tears hanging on strings from telephone trees
I like this image but it seems so so out of place.


i had plans of killing the clerk but he gave me all my money as i asked,
twenty seven dollars and twenty three cents,
enough to buy me a new jacket or
thought process.
maybe ill invest it into my sleep schedule,
or a non profitable organization that profits off my
amnesia and
hysteria and
practical jokes that only worsen the latter.
probably not though,
i'll buy some cigarettes,
a pack of gum,
go home and burn telephone books to exercise my chimney a little.

favorite bit

I'm not sure how to give this a proper crit, sorry. Next piece, next piece
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
thank you three very much. i get what you're saying about the descriptions towards the beginning, ill mess around with it.
#6
I love everything about this piece, except for the very minuscule thing "burn telephone books to exercise my chimney a little" (exercise doesn't seem to fit as well as something else could) Overall, amazing.