#1

Don't.
My skin will burn you.
I never want to hurt you
but I will,
and I won't stop.
I hate myself more
and more each day
because I know this.
I see the pain
you've lived through-
the scar tissues
obscuring your lips
and infecting your
fallopian tubes-
and it's nothing.

Don't.
You can't trust me.
I'm just like the others-
ignorant, stupid, selfish.
I will put your heart
in a bag and slam it
against the wall until
it's runny and frothy
and my anger is
completely
gone;
I can't help it
that I feel good
seeing you bleed-
the sight of blood
gets me high.

Don't.
If you want-need
human contact,
touch someone else-
fuck them,
kiss them,
give them
the most intense
orgasm you can because
I don't need it.
I can live off of
loneliness, indecision,
depression and repression,
hate and anger,
because those are comforting;
between them, I have nothing
to prove or be or strive for.
They say patience is a virtue.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Oct 23, 2009,
#2
Quote by hippieboy444

Don't.
My skin will burn you;
I never want to hurt you
but I will,
and I won't stop;
I hate myself more
and more each day
because I know this. Get rid of one of the semicolons here, ruins the pace for me to have two in one sentence.
I see the pain
you've lived through-
the scar tissues
obscuring your lips
and infecting your
fallopian tubes-
and it's nothing.
That last bit was somewhat gross, but looking through this, I think that's part of what you're going for. The last line was pretty ambiguous- was it nothing compared to what you would do to her? Nothing as in it shouldn't matter?
Don't.
You can't trust me.
I'm just like the others-
ignorant, stupid, selfish;
I will put your heart
in a bag and slam it
against the wall until
it's runny and frothy
and my anger is
completely
gone;
I can't help it
that I feel good
seeing you bleed-
the sight of blood
gets me high.
All these dashes and semicolons are starting to get on my nerves. They make the tone monotonous. I get a strong sense of internal conflict from this poem so far. Also, I don't know whether you put thought into the linebreaks throughout this. If you did, then I'm just being a douche. If you didn't, go back and make them significant.
Don't.
If you want-need
ugh. bold, and the dashes again. if you have to have italics, keep them. but get rid of everything else.
human contact,
touch someone else-
**** them,
kiss them,
**** them THEN kiss them? then give them an orgasm? no sense of progression there.
give them
the most intense
orgasm you can because
I don't need it.
Get rid of the bold again. Let your words speak for themselves.
I can live off of
loneliness, indecision;
depression and repression;
hate and anger,
because those are comforting;
between them, I have nothing
to prove or be or strive for.
They say patience is a virtue.
I like the last line.


I wasn't a fan of the tone in this one. It seemed overly self-obsessed. Even when the narrator is worrying about others, he/she makes it about themselves at the same time. Pretty whiny.

I hope you don't see this as too harsh... i see continued talent and potential in things you write.
#3
That's the purpose- it's meant to be claustrophobic and self-obsessed and harsh. Its a reflection of how people act sometimes, although i agree it needs some revision. Thanks Hesh
#4
I liked it. The kind of sick twist on a couple lines was perfect. The first and last paragraphs were the parts I liked most. The fallopian tube line being my favorite. Knowing that this is what you were going for, i'd say you acomplished what you wanted. It took me through the charachters thought process which I liked. I agree that you should edit the punctuation and stuff but you already know that so I won't get into that. The last line finished it up nicely as well.

I'd appreciate it very much if you could please take a look at my piece too. Thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1219712
#5
I can't find anything in this piece I don't particularly dislike other then the chills I get while I'm reading it. I wouldn't recommend turning this into a musical piece (if that's your thing.) Though this would sound great as a spoken-word song.

Great work. And thanks for critiquing mine.