#1
edited it from before. unsure if it's any better or not.


double image


father, you coalesced with the city cement
made friends with the cigarette butts,
styrofoam cups, the neon women
who breathed down your spine
with artistic precision. under a leaky ceiling,
you both reeked of sewer fruit,
made waves while the rats awaited your remains,
and smog birds sang dirges in solemn voices
on that night i was conceived.

on that night i was born,
and the nurses had Dies Irae on repeat over the loud speakers,
the hollow voices reverberated
off of my recycled thoughts that i would scavenge for
in the trashcans amongst the rotten banana peels,
apple cores, the rats' beady eyes, the vultures
circling the malicious skies
and when i finally found a useful thought
i was John and she was Sapphire or Ruby or
some precious rock -
snort-able - and after i paid,
i went for some coffee and drank it out of a cup
smoked my last cigarette,
and threw away the butt
but when i took my next step
it was into wet cement:
someone must've forgotten to put a sign up.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
The end made me smile. Your writing really reminds me of my own sometimes, with the ideas and stylistic approaches. No denying you're the better writer here, but this appealed to me a lot on that level, above it being a brilliant piece of writing. i prefered this one to the old version.
#3
I like this one a bit more, and while I like the end, I think the connections were worded a little too obviously. It's important that they're there, of course, but using the same words practically screams 'HEY CONNECT THIS' without letting the reader do any work. I'm not sure how I'd phrase it differently, as it's not my own poem, and it's only minor... but that's the only thing that really jumped out at me as ungraceful. Imagery of it all is still lovely, especially the first stanza. So delightfully decaying.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
What a refreshing thing to read on such a dreary day. The flow here is ridiculous, in the best way I can describe it. It was great fun, like running through unknown terrain but your footsteps falling in all the right places at just the right times. Other than that rule I learned once about of not needing so much to come right after, because off of sounds like a bit of a stutter and rather unnecessary, but things like this are overlooked from read to read, and perfection is not needed, especially when graphics design such beauty. It's the greatest dose of hip hop I've had in weeks; thank you.
#5
I really didn't have much of a problem with the first one, and at first I thought it unnecessary to change it. But I like this version. Good call.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
thanks for the kind words everyone. i really appreciate it. i'll get to all of your next ones
here, My Dear, here it is