#1
i think we all just need to take a step back

looking back over decades for an in, a refuge
amongst the machines pumping out chaos and random numbers
and us ever tumbling amongst the beautiful wreckage;
us making beauty from cold steel and bare bones,
painting flesh and blood and cartilige upon bricks and mortar
and calling it a living breathing home - mother, father, lover.

rooted in Nature, drowning in filth and greed;
cursed by human desire and denied wisdom by cold reality,
choked creativity and mocked naivety
"you're not a dying breed, you may as well be extinct."
well, at least i'll go with a smile on my face and dreams
of a blinded optimist amongst the dead-black tide.
a ray of light in the infernal machine, the last smile before the Devil's might;
a brief flicker, strutted on stage and out

out

brief candle like dream before the curtains,
just too far to ignite.
#2
I saw the code box and thought "Oh goody!"


I'll be back to this later if I have time.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by you
i think we all just need to take a step back

looking back over decades for an in, a refuge
amongst the machines pumping out chaos and random numbers
and us ever tumbling amongst the beautiful wreckage;
us making beauty from cold steel and bare bones,
painting flesh and blood and cartilige upon bricks and mortar
and calling it a living breathing home - mother, father, lover.
I think you overdid it a bit with the wording. It has a lot of very very good elements and flow but altogether it just seems a bit much... 'beautiful wreckage', 'cartilage'... I dont know. You dont really need chaos AND random numbers AND wreckage, then the word beauty right after the word beautiful (beautiful is such a strong word as it is), then flesh AND blood AND cartilage. It's a strong message on its own and you have a good picture and tone set; extra oomph is almost distracting

rooted in Nature, drowning in filth and greed;
again, no need for filth AND greed... maybe two less cliched things, or just one of the two there
cursed by human desire and denied wisdom by cold reality,
choked creativity and mocked naivety
drowning, cursed, choked, mocked... calm down, don't smother me! less is more, and your thoughts are very clear, so you don't need to come off so strong
"you're not a dying breed, you may as well be extinct."
well, at least i'll go with a smile on my face and dreams
of a blinded optimist amongst the dead-black tide.
a ray of light in the infernal machine, the last smile before the Devil's might;
a brief flicker, strutted on stage and out
mmm lovely. don't really like infernal but it'd be just fine without the extra plumage up top

out
i like this

brief candle-like dream before the curtains,
just too far to ignite.
like the concise ending too


I think this is a good piece and you have a very strong foundation; I've enjoyed your past few writings a lot and you're really changing as writer... noticeably so. I remember some of the first things I read from you and you're so put together now. The things I poked at are nitpicky and I only say them because I respect you as a writer =] Good work, love.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Thank you, Saadia. I respect your opinions and I'll definitely be taking them into account. I don't know if I'll edit this, purely because it's still a theme and ideal that I'm working on, and I have a feeling there are more pieces to come on it. I do feel like I'm evolving as a writer, ideas seem more concise in my head these days
#5
Good. The last thing I would want you to do is edit it. Things come out as they come out and you're writing for yourself anyway. I'm glad that you feel that you're developing as well.

I'm really liking your writing, dear, and I love where you're going. I mean that as sincerely as possible.
<3
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Quote by kdownes
i think we all just need to take a step back

looking back over decades for an in, a refuge
amongst the machines pumping out chaos and random numbers
and us ever tumbling amongst the beautiful wreckage;
us making beauty from cold steel and bare bones,
painting flesh and blood and cartilige upon bricks and mortar
and calling it a living breathing home - mother, father, lover.
This almost comes out as too detached. Lot's of images and pretty words, but it gives me the same feeling I get when I'm looking at, say, a gorgeous painting. It's just a pretty picture

rooted in Nature, drowning in filth and greed;
cursed by human desire and denied wisdom by cold reality,
choked creativity and mocked naivety
That rhyme tweaks at my nerves a little
"you're not a dying breed, you may as well be extinct."
well, at least i'll go with a smile on my face and dreams
of a blinded optimist amongst the dead-black tide.
a ray of light in the infernal machine, the last smile before the Devil's might;
a brief flicker, strutted on stage and out
At this point, this seems a bit like a silent movie. Some unique and deep images, but they're just kinda there for all to see. They don't really hold any meaning to me, though to be fair that really is probably got more to do with me and not this piece

out

brief candle like dream before the curtains,
just too far to ignite.

Well, I enjoyed this, but it never really connected to me. Did seem that the "elegant" wording was a bit overdone.
#8
Quote by kdownes
i think we all just need to take a step back

looking back over decades for an in, a refuge
amongst the machines pumping out chaos and random numbers
and us ever tumbling amongst the beautiful wreckage;
us making beauty from cold steel and bare bones,
painting flesh and blood and cartilige upon bricks and mortar
and calling it a living breathing home - mother, father, lover.
I like the first line, but after that, I'm not a big fan of this part. I think cartilige should be removed, it makes that line too long. I do love the last line, i thik it ends it well. The beginning and end of this part are well written, but the middle seems forced almost

rooted in Nature, drowning in filth and greed;
cursed by human desire and denied wisdom by cold reality,
choked creativity and mocked naivety
"you're not a dying breed, you may as well be extinct."
well, at least i'll go with a smile on my face and dreams
of a blinded optimist amongst the dead-black tide.
a ray of light in the infernal machine, the last smile before the Devil's might;
a brief flicker, strutted on stage and out
I think my favorite line in this entire piece is "choked creativity and mocked naivety" by far. Thats a well written and phrased line, and it fits well with what your talking about. I think the line, " well, at least ill go with a smile on my face and dreams doesnt flow well, but I could be mistaken. Overall, I like this part much more than the first.
out

brief candle like dream before the curtains,
just too far to ignite.
Good ending, maybe a little vauge, but a good sign off none the less.


I enjoyed this piece quite a bit, but there are a few ways to make it better. I love the idea your expressing about humanity subcoming to its own reality ( at least i read it that way). I think thats a very intelligent and noble way to see what we are. I enjoyed it tremendously.
C4C? My piece is called window. Not on a quality of this, but decent I hope. Lol.

great writing, keep up the good work!
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
Last edited by RageGarden at Oct 23, 2009,