#1
it's been a while since i've written a song. any critiques are welcome, and i will gladly c4c if asked. cheers.


Don't Construct Something Without An Exit

You're falling through this self-made tunnel
The shortness of its distance
Alludes to your frail resistance

Oh, I see hesitation
Skimming across your skin

The shallow end states its presence
Despite the severity of this situation
I'm free from corrupt temptation

Can't you see that I'm just fine?

The beginning was a simple gesture
Without a deadline, free of pressure
But the ending has two sides
With me moving on, and you trapped inside
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#2
i like it. especially:
The beginning was a simple gesture
Without a deadline, free of pressure
But the ending has two sides
With me moving on, and you trapped inside

wish i thought of a song like that
#4
Quote by gavincandance

Don't Construct Something Without An Exit

You're falling through this self-made tunnel
The shortness of its distance
Alludes to your frail resistance I like this verse. A few points, though: When the first line stands as alone as it does, tunnel is kind of a weak way to end it, and it isn't really clear what 'your resistance' refers to - the given person's ability to stand up after a fall?

Oh, I see hesitation
Skimming across your skin It kinda feels weird that, while a lot of the song is very much in metaphor - the person just fell, and obviously didn't take it well - now he/she is hesitating. This is kind of unclear.

The shallow end states its presence Again, the first line seems weak and with unfocused compared to the others.
Despite the severity of this situation
I'm free from corrupt temptation You don't really need 'corrupt' here - it weakens the sentence. I would suggest replacing it with something that strengthens it instead.

Can't you see that I'm just fine? This makes it seem like you really aren't fine. I don't know if that's intentional, though.

The beginning was a simple gesture
Without a deadline, free of pressure
But the ending has two sides
With me moving on, and you trapped inside I like this, except the third line, which feels weak in this context.

I've done everything I can to rip your song to shreds, because that's what I'd want people to do when critting my songs.

However, I didn't write this song. I'll probably have gotten a lot of what I said up there completely wrong, when taking into consideration the small nuances of what you were actually trying to express.

Thus I pointed out everything I could possibly find, and I'll leave you to decide what I'm right and wrong about. =)

The overall meaning is rather clear, though. I only critted so aggressively because I really liked the theme and the creativity behind the execution.

I'd prefer it if you would crit my newest piece when/if critting me back.
#5
thanks for your critique.


yeah, i can understand how tunnel is a weak way to end the first line. i'll try rearranging or re-wording that line. the "frail resistance" refers to the "shortness" of the tunnel. i think i failed to mention that the tunnel is really like a pit and the protagonist is "falling" in, whether to be taken literally or metaphorically. i'll fix this stanza up.

the "hesitation" refers to whether or not the protagonist should really resist "falling" in or not. the character doesn't know whether or not she's falling into bliss or demise, which is what i tried to aim for in those lines.

i wanted to state the "can't you see that i'm just fine" line as a way of telling the readers that throughout this delimma, the narrarator is unharmed.


thank you once again for your critique, and i've already went and did your's.

"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance