#1
C4C I like this one. Cheers....

Pure At Heart

Blue virgin veins
Unmistakably visible through his translucent ashen skin
Stretched tight over a cracked skull
His bald head shines holes through every crisp autumn morning
White hot reflections of what we, as humans, lack
There is quiet unease
Reluctant compassion visible on every finger tip
Breaking the cycle
Making it new again

He caresses a leaf
Golden collapsing leaf
It is dying
He knows this
He traces its veins
Tilts his head to one side
Slowly measures its angles
Defines its origins
Brings it to his face
Slowly and tenderly

I watch him through my window
Cold glass distorts his features
He is a monster
And I watch

I watch him draw the leaf across his flushed cheek
Close his eyes
Remember his loves
A single tear crashes into it
Killing it
Sending it hurtling towards the cold ground

He watches it with sad eyes
Dancing and twisting in the sharp wind
He sees this
He sees himself
He sees that his moment has passed

He raises his hand
Draws his compassionate fingertip across the strip of skin
Above his lip
Below his nose

He is cold
I see it in his eyes
He is broken
I see it in the way he moves
He is pure at heart
I see it every morning

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#2
Quote by musicjunkie207
C4C I like this one. Cheers....

Pure At Heart

Blue virgin veins
Unmistakably visible through his translucent ashen skin
Stretched tight over a cracked skull
His bald head shines holes through every crisp autumn morning
White hot reflections of what we, as humans, lack
There is quiet unease
Reluctant compassion visible on every finger tip
Breaking the cycle
Making it new again

I think the word virgin is unnecessary here, it tells too much about it straight away. I enjoy slowly discovering something than being told immediately. Comma's would work marvelously between translucent and ashen allowing the reader to linger over the words. Savor the words. I suggest using punctuation through it all. I don't enjoy the flow between "There is..." and "Reluctant compassion.." I'd change it to:

There is quiet unease, reluctant compassion
visible on every finger tip.
breaking the cycle making it new again.


He caresses a leaf
Golden collapsing leaf
It is dying
He knows this
He traces its veins
Tilts his head to one side
Slowly measures its angles
Defines its origins
Brings it to his face
Slowly and tenderly

For some reason I don't like "Golden collapsing" I just don't feel it works here. The pauses here between "it is dying" and "he knows this" are too much you need to use connecting words here I think. It's too static. The last few lines are nice.

I watch him through my window
Cold glass distorts his features
He is a monster
And I watch

This is really great! I think this is where you would use that static. "I watch" is a lot more sinister than "and I watch" I think that is what you're trying to expose here.

I watch him draw the leaf across his flushed cheek
Close his eyes
Remember his loves
A single tear crashes into it
Killing it
Sending it hurtling towards the cold ground

I'm not a cold person but I really don't care about this leaf at all. I feel nothing for it. Sorry.

He watches it with sad eyes
Dancing and twisting in the sharp wind
He sees this
He sees himself
He sees that his moment has passed

There needs to be more flow here I think. Sad isn't necessary, we know he's sad it's overdoing it.

He raises his hand
Draws his compassionate fingertip across the strip of skin
Above his lip
Below his nose

Same thing here with compassionate, other wise good.

He is cold
I see it in his eyes
He is broken
I see it in the way he moves
He is pure at heart
I see it every morning

I don't dig "pure at heart" Interesting twist for the end.


Okay I can see what you're trying to do here but I don't believe you manage to pull it off well enough. I don't understand the need for the leaf. Is it a metaphor for life? He's a cold person, he's a monster but he can show compassion? Is that what this is or have I just missed the point? There are some nice lines here that work well, however I think this is a draft, a start of something. it needs to be polished more I think. But what a start! I look forward to seeing it again.

If you could critique my latest work "Smiles" that would be most appreciated!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1220189
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
Okay I can see what you're trying to do here but I don't believe you manage to pull it off well enough. I don't understand the need for the leaf. Is it a metaphor for life? He's a cold person, he's a monster but he can show compassion? Is that what this is or have I just missed the point? There are some nice lines here that work well, however I think this is a draft, a start of something. it needs to be polished more I think. But what a start! I look forward to seeing it again.

If you could critique my latest work "Smiles" that would be most appreciated!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1220189


Ah, indeed it is a first draft. I'm still going over word choices, grammar, ect.
What I was trying to get across with looking at him through the window was that he is not a monster. The glass distorts him. The way society views him has been distorted. The leaf is the life he once had. He has been hurt and tormented. Society has cast him out because he has been broken. His moment has passed.

Thanks for the crit! Now I know what needs work.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#4
I think Hendrix Fan 14 did a very good job critiquing this piece. He pointed out most everything I found issue with. I do think, however, that it doesn't flow very well as a whole. I, of course, could be reading it incorrectly, I'm not entirely sure how you mean to go about playing this piece. You plan on recording it? I would love to hear it.
#5
Quote by justinkh
I think Hendrix Fan 14 did a very good job critiquing this piece. He pointed out most everything I found issue with. I do think, however, that it doesn't flow very well as a whole. I, of course, could be reading it incorrectly, I'm not entirely sure how you mean to go about playing this piece. You plan on recording it? I would love to hear it.


Not at all. As of right now, it's just words on a page. A melody would change it too much, take away a bit of the mood I was going for. The more I go over it, the more I see that this is definitely meant to be spoken and not sung. Thanks for the crit.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY