#1
Part of a series I've been working on. Well, I guess one could say that.
OTS and all that jazz.


We briefly pause on our way out of the movie theater; I watch her squeeze her perfect hands into her little mittens as I slide my own into my pockets.
She looks up at me, smiles, and says, "Let's go."

Together, we open the doors
and take a breath of cold air.
Our hot breath intertwines
forming a brief supernova of some sort.
It dissipates, but reoccurs
just moments later. We walk
through the parking lot without a word.
I concentrate on the supernovas.

A few blocks away from the theater, and a few blocks away from the apartment building we share, I stop. She takes a few more steps until she swiftly spins around; making an easy pivot on the snow.
A dirty look is thrown my way.

I can't help but let out a little laugh.
Damn, she's sassy. I swear it will kill her one day.
Again, I smile, and run to catch up with her. Together, we walk home.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Nov 6, 2009,
#4
Nah, the whole thing flows fine.

I wasn't a fan of "cold air", it just seems like a cookie cutter description of..well...cold air. Supernova also didn't feel like the right word. I just couldn't stop thinking of the sun exploding, so it kinda ruined the imagery, for me at least.


I want to see more of this series. Me gusta.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
Supernova also didn't feel like the right word. I just couldn't stop thinking of the sun exploding, so it kinda ruined the imagery, for me at least.


I want to see more of this series. Me gusta.


agreed on all parts. I like it quite a bit.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#6
Quote by Ganoosh
Nah, the whole thing flows fine.

I wasn't a fan of "cold air", it just seems like a cookie cutter description of..well...cold air. Supernova also didn't feel like the right word. I just couldn't stop thinking of the sun exploding, so it kinda ruined the imagery, for me at least.


I want to see more of this series. Me gusta.


You have seen bits of this series.
That "Hold It" stuff I wrote a while back. Was part of this.
That's just elsewhere in the timeline.

And cold air is just a recurring thing.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Oct 26, 2009,
#7
Hmm...are you posting them in order?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
Well, I can't speak for the rest of the series, but I've certainly lived this moment before (though maybe it was a bit warmer), and I gotta say, on the first pass it's quick to miss the emotion here, coming off as a "happy" piece, but once one looks harder he can see some of that negative emotion hidden between the words.

Very subtle, very skillful, and I'm very impressed.

The only offer I could make to this is that the second stanza seems so long. I didn't dislike supernova, but you may have talked about them too much, and pulled away from the story. However, I think that in itself may have actually added to that subtlety that really made this shine, and I wouldn't suggest a change in the slightest
#9
This is soooo lovely and relatable. I can't say I know why the 1st, 3rd and 4th stanzas are written like that, while the 2nd one is more broken, but it's not the end of the world.

The "supernova" thing as greyeyefire pointed out is focused on a little too much. This would work as an extremely open and delicate piece. You don't need all that filler nonsense.
#10
I think of supernovas as a phenomenon. Something amazing, unlikely, beautiful, and ultimately devastating. Apply that concept to the girl/the relationship here and then one can probably understand why I chose that word.
However, if that point doesn't come across (without me explaining), or if comes off as just cluttering this piece, I should probably void most of that out leaving it to be something like:
Together, we open the doors. Our hot breath intertwines as we walk through the parking lot.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#11
I liked the supernova and picked up on it as symbolising the intensity but warning of something devastating to come. Nice to know I wasn't just reading too much into it.
#12
I really liked the first supernova and the second one too, but it's the focus on something that doesn't quite feel right for me personally.

No biggy.
#13
Understandable, but I think that the way this 'project' is going, the supernova is a bit of a big deal. Maybe not a big deal, but it deserves the attention that it's getting.

Also. Dan. Kyle.
Links?
Promises meant a lot back then.
#14
expand, expand, expand.

this whole scenario can easily be mined for metaphors, especially the supernova bit.

greyeyedfired: how did you find it 'very subtle?'