#1
All is still;
mortal,
in the pinches of sight.
immortal,
in the dashes of light.
Peeking outside of the box
that holds all of what i consume.

All is still,
again,
at least what I percieve.
With the lid atop my head
I peer into what I know to be real.

While all is still.
#2
Quote by streetcarp19
All is still;
mortal,
in the pinches of sight.
immortal,
in the dashes of light.
Peeking outside of the box
that holds all of what i consume.

All is still,
again,
at least what I percieve.
With the lid atop my head
I peer into what I know to be real.

While all is still.



its pretty good although it feels rather short.try elaborating a it more and explore it more deeply.overall a good piece

c4c
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1220748
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/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#4
Good to see you around, BJ.

Look, I'd love to say I really thought this was great, but I didn't. It's the sight/light rhyme. Also, the repetition at the end felt a bit too much, maybe. It did to me, at least. I guess it's just the "while" that felt out of place. Broke the pace and all. L2-3 in S2 was a bit wordy.

Nice attempt but needs a bit of tweaking imo. Still, I'm glad to see you pop around.
take care
#5
I had no problem with the length or the simplicity, but I was looking for some kind of element to elevate it higher than just another pretty little thing. In such a short piece to implement a circular theme is a bit pretentious in my opinion, as there isn't enough room for development of the ideas in between. Saying that, I have tried it myself in the past, so who am I to judge.

I just think that it's missing that "hit-you-in-the-gut" factor that could make this just superb as a complete idea.

Love seeing you post again.
This is not a pipe