#1
input/output


There are voices under my balcony
and I wonder where they've been-
and I will wonder until _______.
Ten weeks from now you'll see the soles of my shoes,
you'll see the bones in my heels,
you'll all wonder what cities did I steal,
why am I still here,
why am I still

/

Addressing long lines of gas station boys,
convenience store shoppers in the oklahoma highway days,
drunken prophecies.
We share a dust on our feet that brings a light to the west and to emptiness.
all for the best? all for the best.

/

There's an abandoned boat on the lake
in the pine forest. It rusts where yr grandfather left it.
Whenever we go swimming out to it, we leave it floating
in case there's someone hiding in it,
hiding from the shore.

There's a dream that I think meant something
where I am a child and there's a wolf on the other side of my family's front door
and nobody believes me.
So I run away out the back, and my parents don't care
I knock on your window but there's nobody there.
Somehow I end up in Geary
and know that you miss me.
I end up in Geary promising to come back here.

/

I watch a ladybug crawling in my sheets.
lots of things I'm not seeing,
.................................................. lots of things to believe in.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Nov 3, 2009,
#2
1 is intriguing. The vacant space.

2 is great. Prophesies works but I would have liked to see it written as prophecies. I think it's ugly with a s and makes me think of it as a "z" sound. any reason? I like 5th line. Like, a lot.

3. is what makes this piece for me. I'm debating whether suggest "hiding in it" instead of "on" or not. repetition of hiding is great.

4 is good but to be totally honest I didn't like the ending. it just contrasted too much with the rest of the piece to me. It's just the speaker, I mean, if it's the same speaker in all parts, I don't believe the ending. Right? right. Someone who would talk about what he/she did the way he/she did, wouldn't, to me, say those last two lines.


But I know this piece is not all about meaning. So I'll comment on what I find relevant ; I liked the formal exploration. Reminded me of joris in a few parts, in the good way. The structure does this justice, I think you nailed that just right. I'm obviously missing a few things, the title intrigues me, I can see a few clues here and there but I can't make anything out of it.

I'm obviously missing a few things, but I think I was meant to?

I enjoyed this anyway. Has it's moments and generates a lot. What poetry should be. What I like to see here.
#3
This was too disjointed for my liking. The syntax was off in many places (I can point them out, but I think you know) and the punctuation, which I can often overlook in your pieces, was actually quite crippling, as it made the reading very awkward. So I tried to look past the outer shell and into what you were saying, but even there, the fractured technique, though interesting and unique, was missing an underlining idea, theme or at least some kind of joint element to make it all at least remotely cohesive. I look at this piece and I can see you can write, I can see that you have something to say, but it's like looking at a vague reflection and not quite making out what it's supposed to be. Perhaps it's the feeling you were going for, but it's not going to be a piece I remember.
This is not a pipe
#4
thanks carmel. yeah i was talking to mat about it last night. he and i agreed that I didn't establish the character as one that would say some of the things he did in the way he did. And that I let my own train of thought mix in too much with what I meant to be his. So I also feel like I need to take a step back from it and rebuild some. I'll pay more attention to punctuation too I have a bad habit of ignoring it when I type stuff into computers. I think I do know what you mean with the syntax too. I want to get this one right so take two is probable. The reflection analogy seems pretty accurate too to be honest especially when I try to look at it from the readers perspective.

Thanks for the feedback I'll take it to heart. I'll take a read at yours asap.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me