#1
c4c.


There's a strange sensation coming over me;
falling like a shroud of hopes and dreams
that never came true.
It's just opaque enough to smear
truth and consequences;
yet translucent to a point of distorting
beauty and reminding my eyes
just what evils god is capable of.

I've seen beauty in the world;
I've looked lightyears towards the
spiraling nebulas and quasars of old.
Watched galaxies duel and synthesize
matter into mass into shape into form.
I've seen skies so velvety
that super models are jealous and
supermodels so gorgeous even starry nights blush.

All has fallen victim
to this haze that films over my eyes.
There's no shade to remove this glare;
the sun is beating down upon me
and I miss the cool evenings that once
gave me hope.
#2
Beautiful, I really loved the imagery and the second stanza is what really makes this jump out at me. I can't really get a message, if there is one, but not every piece has to be deeper than it is.
#3
The second stanza is fluid to the point of it being surprisingly so. I wish you had elaborated more on what exactly this cloudly, foggy feeling is. You say hopes and dreams that never came true, but I feel like I need more than that. Well, not need. But want. I found no connection between the first and second stanzas until I read the last stanza. I'm really not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing though, so take that whichever way you want.

Great piece. Flows very nicely, methinks.


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 28, 2009,
#5
To me, I felt that this was a very pretty way of fearing the sunrise, enjoying the night skies, and then being exposed to the horrors of our everyday life.

In my honest opinion, I believe that the 1st and 2nd stanzas link together terrifically well. In a very unusual way. "The evils god is capable of" relates in a perpendicular way to "the beauty in the world". It feels like I find myself at a four way intersection, one road being the wrath of this god figure; the other being the beauty. And sure enough, we're on the road of wrath and take a nice, easy turn onto beauty.

As said before, 2nd stanza is beauteous.

Hopes and dreams? I like that being vague as is. Any more detail would risk boring me if executed improperly.

"I can't view the night anymore;"
This line felt rather obvious and unnecessary.

On top of that, through the first couple reads, I kept thinking that "evening dew" wasn't an approriate title. The cliche "morning dew" kept cramming it's way into my head. However, it's quite apparent to me now that I think about it why it's evening dew.

This was a fantastic read Zach. Fantastic.
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Edit: I keep tripping up on this section due to the repetition of 'super models'
that super models are jealous and
supermodels so gorgeous even starry nights blush.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Oct 28, 2009,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


There's a strange sensation coming over me;
falling like a shroud of hopes and dreams
that never came true.
It's just opaque enough to smear
truth and consequences;
yet translucent to a point of distorting
beauty and reminding my eyes
just what evils god is capable of.
I like this section except for the last line, which didnt flow right IMO. Besides that, it was good. I liked the opaue enough to smear truth and consequences part.

I've seen beauty in the world;
I've looked lightyears towards the
spiraling nebulas and quasars of old.
Watched galaxies duel and synthesize
matter into mass into shape into form.
I've seen skies so velvety
that super models are jealous and
supermodels so gorgeous even starry nights blush.
Good stanza. Very vividly written.

All has fallen victim
to this haze that films over my eyes.
I can't view the night anymore;
there's no shade to remove this glare.
The sun is beating down upon me
and I miss the cool evenings that once
gave me hope.
I liked everything except when you used the word 'films'. It makes me think of an eyelid or something. Im an idiot though, so just ignore that part. The last three lines were by far my favorite of this piece. Really a good way to finish and put your point home.


Well written sir. Well done
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#7
I feel like you got a little bit too wordy with your first stanza and I believe the more advanced vocabulary you show off in it simply does not work.

The second stanza was a thing of beauty.

Third stanza was a decent ending although I feel like it ends one or two line too early...it seemed t just come up on me while reading instead of leading me into the end.


Overall, I like the way you make your poem flow. You introduce your hatred for sunrise, then elaborate on why, then conclude with an overall look at things. It had a nice flow to it and it was certainly creative to fear the sunrise...the opposite of what most would write about. Solid piece.
#8
Overall, this was a poem that I could definitely relate to. I felt a lot of what you were saying and I sensed a certain vulnerability in the voice of this narrator. I thought the second stanza was terrific in its diction, imagery, tone, flow, etc.

I agree that I could see the "I can't view the night anymore" line coming and I think a little rewording of that phrase could do this piece a lot of justice.

I'll get back to this when I have more time, though. I want to give a good crit like you did on mine.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
I suppose I'm odd man out, but I really didn't like this in comparison to most of your stuff. Don't get me wrong, it's good writing; it's more personal preference than anything...

Quote by ZanasCross

There's a strange sensation coming over me;
falling like a shroud of hopes and dreams
that never came true.
don't quite understand this image
It's just opaque enough to smear
truth and consequences;
yet translucent to a point of distorting
beauty and reminding my eyes
just what evils god is capable of.
one thing that really bothered me is was the phrasing - 'just opaque enough... yet translucent enough...' it's as if you're making an image out of something that isn't one. I don't know how to properly explain my frustration with it, and again it's a personal opinion and not something I would want you to change if that's how you intend to display it, but I'm going to be a bit nitpicky with this as long as we're at an understanding with each other

I've seen beauty in the world;
I've looked lightyears towards the
spiraling nebulas and quasars of old.
Watched galaxies duel and synthesize
matter into mass into shape into form.
I'd probably like this more spoken than written; I feel like the great flow you produced was almost lost in the scientific jargon
I've seen skies so velvety
love the use of velvety as a descriptor
that super models are jealous and
supermodels so gorgeous even starry nights blush.
Hated those last two lines though, sorry. I think it was the supermodels.

All has fallen victim
to this haze that films over my eyes.
I would have liked another few lines reintroducing the 'haze' before mentioning that all has fallen victim to it; the second stanza was in another place and this seemed a bit abrupt
There's no shade to remove this glare;
the sun is beating down upon me
and I miss the cool evenings that once
gave me hope.
this last image seem really cliche to me and didn't fit the intial haze that you were describing.


I'm sorry Zach, you know I really respect you as a writer, but I just couldn't get into this piece. It's your's and it should be written as you like it, however you envisioned it, but I hope the crit could come to at least some use.
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#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


There's a strange sensation coming over me;
falling like a shroud of hopes and dreams
that never came true.
The above three lines give great imagery, not just of the sensation you talked about, but of the way the narrator thinks. The third line shows the narrator is prone to disappointment, or slightly cynical. That's what I read from it anyways.
It's just opaque enough to smear
truth and consequences;
yet translucent to a point of distorting
beauty and reminding my eyes
just what evils god is capable of.
Once again, the rest of this stanza just reinforces the first three lines in my opinion. I really enjoyed the use of both opaque and translucent to describe the same object.

I've seen beauty in the world;
I've looked lightyears towards the
spiraling nebulas and quasars of old.
Watched galaxies duel and synthesize
matter into mass into shape into form.
I've seen skies so velvety
that super models are jealous and
supermodels so gorgeous even starry nights blush.
There's not much I can say about this second verse, there was really good imagery there, especially in those first four lines.
All has fallen victim
to this haze that films over my eyes.
There's no shade to remove this glare;
the sun is beating down upon me
and I miss the cool evenings that once
gave me hope.

This last stanza is easily my favorite, because with the wording you used, I've come to think that this is more than just a night and day piece. At this point, I feel that there could be something more to be taken from this, maybe some other change that you are comparing to a sunrise.


Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. The imagery was great, and you managed to get a solid message across =)

C4C? Psychotropic
#11
I like how you were able to talk about nebulas and super models in the same stanza, and actually make it work. I guess it was just the contrasts of the two that really set it off, and must give you kudos for. Overall, a piece of work that actually made me feel warm inside, which is always a good thing.
#12
This doesn't feel like you. Feels like you were trying to superimpose yourself onto someone else's idea of how a poem should look like. There were a few bright spots of flow and ideas (second stanza) but there were a lot of clichés and generic lines that felt forced and overdone. I miss reading the original perspective that you used to have in the beginning, as this just seems over-thought and disjointed from real emotion. Perhaps it's just me, but I felt like the narrator was reciting a speech, rather than speaking feelings and thoughts.
This is not a pipe
#13
It's a decent read, but I feel like it went hardly anywhere special, and as Carmel said, it felt like a speech.