#1
I It was prom night of 1993. Emotions ran high… She was only seventeen. She had a pretty dress…. She wasn’t like the rest… But it all went downhill and started with a kiss.

C You take a life. You throw it away… you don’t even care about what it has to say. Something so precious… a gift from above. You think your so old but your only so young.

II Weeks went by… she started feeling sick. Something not normal… she thought she felt a kick. What’s going on? Something isn’t right… Is this what I get for what happened that night?...

B Lord how could this be? Why’d you punish me? I was always so good! Why can’t you see? This is not for me! I’m not gonna be “mom” at only seventeen!!!

C You take a life. You throw it away… you don’t even care about what it has to say. Something so precious… a gift from above. You think your so old but your only so young. *repeat*

(spoken poem) My hair is black, my eyes are brown
Mommy, you'd love having me around
It's early yet, the month is one
Though you can't see me yet, I've just begun
One month later, the month is two
I'm still but a part of you
Time is passing the month is three
I'm getting to be someone as you can see
Still so small that I don't have to hide
I'm just a little seed inside
You'll love me mommy, just wait and see
i'm going to make you proud of me....


....I've got a new home now, the month is seven
Mommy didn't want me, so now I'm in heaven
It's so beautiful, but now I'm gone
I have no memory to carry on
If I were still there now the month would be eight
I was murdered by my mommy's own hand
I guess this is too young to understand
Good-bye mommy, the month would be nine
I could've been living just fine
Although I'm in heaven, I still have to cry
Because of mommy, I had to die.

C You take a life. You throw it away… you don’t even care about what it has to say. Something so precious… a gift from above. You think your so old but your only so young. *repeat*

III My precious lovely child… That’s what you would’ve been. If I wasn’t so stupid… If I hadn’t of given in. We could’ve been happy… A family of three… Mommy and daddy and you my precious baby….

C You take a life. You throw it away… you don’t even care about what it has to say. Something so precious… a gift from above. You think your so old but your only so young. *repeat*
#2
That is poetry my friend those are some dang good lyrics you got there
Needs a double bass, suggestions?
#3
Damnit abortion is fine! Calling abortion murder is like saying a women perioding or a man ejaculating is murder - cause that is also potential life gone. And consider the chances of a child born to such a young mother of actually living a decent life, most criminals are born to young mothers. A teen should have the choice to abort - it is better for everybody involved.
#5
But good lyrics otherwise, the imagery is great :-D I'm just opposed to you conceptually :P
#6
Quote by sctrav35
I It was prom night of 1993. Emotions ran high… She was only seventeen. She had a pretty dress…. She wasn’t like the rest… But it all went downhill and started with a kiss.

Alright, I guess I'll start by saying that your whole song is riddled with cliches. In fact, this entire first stanza is nothing but cliches. " It was prom night ", " she was only seventeen ", " She wasn't like the rest " are the most glaringly obvious ones that should definitely be changed. They are not so over-used that it would be a bad idea to use them at all, but you should change your wording so as to sort of mask them or make them appear more thought out and sincere.
" But it all went downhill and started with a kiss ". While there is nothing completely wrong with this (aside from it, again, being a bit of a cliche ), I would advise that you re-word it as it comes off as a bit awkward.

Quote by sctrav35
C You take a life. You throw it away… you don’t even care about what it has to say. Something so precious… a gift from above. You think your so old but your only so young.

Again, what is most wrong with this stanza is the cliches. In fact, that is what is most wrong with the whole song ( aside from the message, but I can't really criticize you for that ). I hate to say it, as it seems like an integral part of the song, but I would advise against including the phrase " You think your so old but your only so young. ". It's a very.... juvenile (for lack of a better word) lyric.

Quote by sctrav35
II Weeks went by… she started feeling sick. Something not normal… she thought she felt a kick. What’s going on? Something isn’t right… Is this what I get for what happened that night?...
B Lord how could this be? Why’d you punish me? I was always so good! Why can’t you see? This is not for me! I’m not gonna be “mom” at only seventeen!!!

B is just awful, the awkward rhyming makes it unbearable. Get rid of it, or change it completely.
Quote by sctrav35
(spoken poem) My hair is black, my eyes are brown
Mommy, you'd love having me around
It's early yet, the month is one
Though you can't see me yet, I've just begun
One month later, the month is two
I'm still but a part of you
Time is passing the month is three
I'm getting to be someone as you can see
Still so small that I don't have to hide
I'm just a little seed inside
You'll love me mommy, just wait and see
i'm going to make you proud of me....

Not too bad. I don't like the " month is [number] " parts, but that's just my opinion. " One month later, the month is two " sounds redundant, change it. " I'm going to make you proud of me " just seems useless, like it was just thrown in there.

Quote by sctrav35
....I've got a new home now, the month is seven
Mommy didn't want me, so now I'm in heaven
It's so beautiful, but now I'm gone
I have no memory to carry on
If I were still there now the month would be eight
I was murdered by my mommy's own hand
I guess this is too young to understand
Good-bye mommy, the month would be nine
I could've been living just fine
Although I'm in heaven, I still have to cry
Because of mommy, I had to die.

" It's so beautiful " and " now I'm gone " shouldn't go together. I'm assuming that heaven is what's beautiful, so why would you put " but now I'm gone "? The fetus is " gone " from Earth right?

Quote by sctrav35
III My precious lovely child… That’s what you would’ve been. If I wasn’t so stupid… If I hadn’t of given in. We could’ve been happy… A family of three… Mommy and daddy and you my precious baby….

Precious shouldn't be used twice in the same stanza in the way that you've used it here. It sounds bad when you try to rhyme " baby " with " three ".

I always feel bad criticizing people who seem to have actually tried their best at something, but in all honesty this is a pretty bad song. You really need to try to avoid cliches and awkward wording, as these are your greatest faults.
#7
I didn't really like the beggining and the end, but the spoken poem is amazing. Seriously, I liked everything about it, loved the use of numbers in the rhymes
#8
Love the poem, very well written. Dont agree with the concept at all, but well written.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#9
It was slightly cliched at first but other than that really really good. Gotta love abortion though.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#10
Just reminding everyone that this thread is to discuss the quality of the writing, not your personal opinions on the subject matter. I'm sure there's a thread in the Pit to do that.

Thanks.
#11
First off im not completely against abortion. I have a universalists point of view on it. I do believe there are some instances where it would be ok to abort. Such as, rape or incest. I wrote this song to protest the fact of people using abortion as birth control.