#1
sillyserious song from notebook. there are much better poems i have written recently that i should probably share but i like this one a whole lot. no need to do anything in depth
-


you say i need sleep
and thats refreshing
because it shows you still have some
vague appreciation for my health

you say i should hit the gym more
and thats nice
because it shows you still are willing
to pay attention to my girth

the snow outside is popping
but we show no signs of stopping,
and if this is the inevitable end
we talked at length about before

well, i don't know
i just kind of expected more
#2
I felt like this went nowhere. You always reamed me for creating facade characters and half-assed cardboard cutouts to toss an idea onto... that's what you did here and it really made pretty much all of this unenjoyable because I just didn't care or believe you. I realize you said nothing in depth, so I won't... but this just didn't speak or carry anything to me.


I'd appreciate just a bump and quick thought on Evening Dew in sig.
#3
your choice whether to care or not. if you didnt believe me well, don't really know what to do about that. there's truth in every thought.

and sometimes people are just cardboard cutouts. maybe I was wrong in criticism I have given you in the past.

thank you for your words, will get back.
#4
i quite liked the first four and the last four lines. the rest i didn't feel were as good.
#5
Quote by #1 synth
your choice whether to care or not. if you didnt believe me well, don't really know what to do about that. there's truth in every thought.

and sometimes people are just cardboard cutouts. maybe I was wrong in criticism I have given you in the past.

thank you for your words, will get back.


people seem to forget that. not everything goes somewhere, a violent river can hold as little or as much beauty as a stagnant pond.

as for the piece,
i dig it. and that's all i have to say.

as Zack asked for i could use a bump on one of my pieces that is slowly drifting towards the 2nd page without a single 'https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1222274' but if you don't swing by that's fine.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 28, 2009,
#6
Quote by #1 synth
your choice whether to care or not. if you didnt believe me well, don't really know what to do about that. there's truth in every thought.

and sometimes people are just cardboard cutouts. maybe I was wrong in criticism I have given you in the past.

thank you for your words, will get back.


This is the reason why I always kept your thoughts about my "shallow" characters in my head and considered them; but never took them to heart and erased them from my writing. Sometimes there is nothing more telling than how much truth can be tucked into a cardboard person. Sometimes there is nothing more important than a 2-D character that can act as a person, because people really aren't deep enough nor do they live life well enough to deserve all three dimensions.

Sometimes, people are just flat... and sometimes people aren't even that.

I still appreciate what you (and Jammy) have done for me in my growth as a writer. Never underestimate my appreciation.
#7
Heh. Nice little piece, it focused on a particular feeling that a lot of us can relate to at the end of a relationship without having to go too in-depth. Really, it works for it... had it been given a lot of time and investment, it would be as if the relationship itself had a significant ending, which... it didnt..
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Quote by ZanasCross

Never underestimate my appreciation.


Nor the importance flattery

As for the piece, I have a a new meaning of Dylan-esque I use solely in and around S&L.

This was it's definition.
#11
wonderfully enjoyable.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
I liked it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
saying this went nowhere shows shallow reading skills

powerful use of form. I can see why you like it while thinking you've written better stuff; it's simple and to the point in matters of vocabulary, but this shows true skills.

the rhyme of stopping and popping would be average, but in context, it's a great use. Great piece about falling short, and i'm sorry you mean it as much as you do. Good luck with everything.
#15
Quote by phantom1
I didn't.


Damn.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
I'm surprised this has as many comments as it does.

thank you all

Jamie: haha, i just assumed it was negative

Joris: when i saw you had posted in this thread i said to myself "uh-oh, he's not gonna like this one one bit." thank you very much for reading regardless

Mat and Corey: see above. but then I saw what you both said. thank you so much. really.

you too katherine. <3

the rest of you were very helpful as well, will return soon.