#1
This is my first post in general for a week. I have returned after a week of sex, drugs, and fights. So this is satirical. My last two poems struggled to get critiques (Rain to Snow got 0). So I was a bit upset about that. I also decided to make a poem with a title asking the forum to read this because it is against the rules except technically here it is perfectly fine being the title of the song. I also have song names that I have written previously hidden throughout all of this (including every song in my signature, some not there, and some i never posted here). I also wrote this in 10 minutes so I did not try to make this a great work.

EDIT: for those who did not read the previous paragraph, THE TITLE IS "WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ MY POEM?" !!!


You know how to change from rain to snow
Snow as white as my favorite dove
Your love has continuous growth
And so my baby you’re my love

I wrote a piece for you
It has a message like them all
It shows my love for you is true
Cause your my butterfly that will not fall

You want to read my poem?
About the butterflies and the doves
Above the painful growing weeds
Of the adventures of Turin
And my friend, the King of Hearts
About man's prime years
And woman's acoustic love
My lady, would you like to read my poem?

Without you ever since prom
I would have unnumbered tears
I sacrificed a bit of my freedom
'Cause I need you for everlasting years

When the crow calls for me
I want to know the crossroads
Yeah they were worth it
So this is my poem
It is you


Edits made: The last 5 lines of the middle verse replaced the single line "Read My Poem"
Second verse, "it expresses my love for you, sue" was replaced by "It shows my love for you is true"
Fourth verse, "If you left me, yeah" was replaced by "Without you ever since prom", "I sacrifice a bit of freedom for you" was replaced by "I sacrificed a bit of my freedom"
Last three lines, "My beautiful butterfly/My dove so pure/My fine fine woman" were removed.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 27, 2009,
#2
Mis-titled. You should read the rules and repost, it'll get closed shortly.
El Gearo:

Fender '69 Reissue Mustang
Fender American Standard P-Bass

Fender Blues Junior
#4
Quote by RNRSoldier
Mis-titled. You should read the rules and repost, it'll get closed shortly.


Read the post

EDIT: As for the poem, it's a little cliched. I understand what you're trying to say, because you're shoving it in my face. A littile subtlety, maybe.
Last edited by gallagher2006 at Oct 27, 2009,
#5
Quote by gallagher2006
Read the post

EDIT: As for the poem, it's a little cliched. I understand what you're trying to say, because you're shoving it in my face. A littile subtlety, maybe.


I agree. I think the whole poem was a bit subtle but the middle paragraph demanding to read my poem and after re-reading it myself (for the first time) I hated how I ended that paragraph.
#6
Retracted. My bad.

Anyway, critique: The rhyme schemes are a bit weak in the first and fourth stanzas. The middle was my favorite and sounded the least forced. You could also remove the last three lines entirely and just make the whole thing better as a result.
El Gearo:

Fender '69 Reissue Mustang
Fender American Standard P-Bass

Fender Blues Junior
#7
Quote by RNRSoldier
Retracted. My bad.

Anyway, critique: The rhyme schemes are a bit weak in the first and fourth stanzas. The middle was my favorite and sounded the least forced. You could also remove the last three lines entirely and just make the whole thing better as a result.


Agreed. I have editted it appropriately although I still find the fourth verse weak.
#8
1st thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it.

2nd I'm really not sure what to make of this piece. The metaphors and imagery seem... meaningless and unattached, which leads me to think that they were often forced (and it sounds like this) I know personally I end up with a lot of half-written poems and songs because I want to avoid the forced sound that writing can so easily acquire. My advice is just take your time with the metaphors and imagery, they'll come to you in time. If you don't believe it, neither will your readers
#9
Quote by crossroads07
1st thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it.

2nd I'm really not sure what to make of this piece. The metaphors and imagery seem... meaningless and unattached, which leads me to think that they were often forced (and it sounds like this) I know personally I end up with a lot of half-written poems and songs because I want to avoid the forced sound that writing can so easily acquire. My advice is just take your time with the metaphors and imagery, they'll come to you in time. If you don't believe it, neither will your readers


I couldn't really write this without forcing it because I have many of my song titles in this song. But I had to finish this and post it. By the way, the first line makes more sense if you read Rain to Snow.
#11
because this is on a not-so-obvious level about how my songs have gone uncritiqued lately (my last two pieces combined for 1 not so great critique) and the song titles is a way of subtly advertising all my poems. And I thought it might be cool to do so.

In other words, it is like saying look at all these poems I wrote.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Oct 27, 2009,