#1
This is written from 3rd person view about a person (maybe me maybe not) that has a near death experience and he looks at the life he had.
As always, C4C.

Don’t all cram in the back seat
Leave room for me
There’s so much smoke
My lungs begin to collapse
My death reflects my past
Ancient books read like treasure maps
But I’m too selfish to give back
Destroy your towns for more
Greed turns my heart to black
Black as the lungs that I harbor
Ends of cigars
Burn out like dying stars
My life rushes past me
Like speeding cars
I’m in over my head
Waist deep in dead
Everything’s my fault
The invention of a disease
Made solely to bring me down
To my knees
The invention of an infection
To free my crown
From my unworthy head
The invention of an infection
That cuts loose droplets
That shouldn’t be bled
The sight of seeing me
On the ground
With my innards torn out
Speaks to me
It turns out
You doubted me
But without a doubt
Forever your servant
You showed me
How to fix my life
You can send me back now.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#2
Does this have anything to do with an LSD trip? Cause I understand the sensation of observing yourself and feeling connected to everything in the world, good or bad. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have strong emotions.
#3
I like how you didn't separate it in paragraphs. Usually i don't like it when it's all crammed, but with the little backstory you gave it just works.

The only thing i think could be taken out is this line :

"Everything’s my fault"

I read it again without reading that one and it reads itself good without that line.

Thanks for the crit on mine !
#4
Quote by benx3000
Don’t all cram in the back seat
a comma would fit nicely between these two lines
Leave room for me
if you didn't capitalise the start of each word and punctuated it I think it could go a lot further
There’s so much smoke
My lungs begin to collapse
this line and the line before it are in a different tone to the two before them. I like it, but it come on too suddenly. The flow could do with sorting out
My death reflects my past
maybe use some links? Like 'I realise my death...' but not that because it'd be awful, you know what I mean
Ancient books read like treasure maps
this line is just gorgeous
But I’m too selfish to give back
this line felt like you were aim at the rhyme rather than getting everything you could out of the meaning. Without expanding on the idea there's very little to connect it to all of the ideas you've already stated.
Destroy your towns for more
more?
Greed turns my heart to black
Black as the lungs that I harbor
you harbour your lungs..?
Ends of cigars
Burn out like dying stars
nice
My life rushes past me
Like speeding cars
too far into the cliche there, though.
I’m in over my head
another line where you could have done with introducing the idea rather than just stating it. The odd 'and' isn't harmful, it just creates flow rather than just a bombardment of disconnected ideas
Waist deep in dead
huh?
Everything’s my fault
The invention of a disease
Made solely to bring me down
To my knees
The invention of an infection
To free my crown
From my unworthy head
The invention of an infection
That cuts loose droplets
That shouldn’t be bled
The sight of seeing me
On the ground
With my innards torn out
Speaks to me
It turns out
You doubted me
But without a doubt
Forever your servant
You showed me
How to fix my life
You can send me back now.
these were all cliche statements but they're expanded on to a small degree, so I'd have found them fine if they were integrated more into each other and the story.


There's very little progression shown in this piece, when I think if it was like telling a story all of the ideas could be integrated more fully. I really, really like some of it, some of the ideas and images, but they're only loosely connected to the rest of it. I like the story you have, it just needs expansion, connection, and it could be really brilliant.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!