#1
Why doesn't he talk to me
instead of gazing across
the thick, low ambiance
of this pizzeria at
a wasted hour of
ESPN Sports Legends?
I guess a bastard son
and a couple drinks
aren't what he expected
when he gazed into
a mockery of eggs
and coffee at six
a.m.
but I'm okay;
I see past his morphine-
clouded retinas and
listen past the
conservative remarks
across the aisle.
"We should burn all 'em ***s."
Don't face a problem-burn it
Guy once said and
I couldn't agree more;
I'd love to see the silhouette
adjacent writhing and screaming,
adjectives and adverbs
falling from his limbs-
burnt-red, crisp;
tendons strung with
electrified asphalt
dancing in the limelight.
"We should burn them fascist Dems, too"
I hear myself offer
a witticism, a word
only I could say in
that tone, in
that
mellow
tone
and I realize,
starring at carefully
constructed inequalities
on inertia equations,
why suicide eludes me,
why I still walk
and not lie down
forever-
"No thanks."
"Are you sure?"
We always want more;
I don't, and
no one else witnesses
this queer happening,
and I hate it.
Emptiness and loneliness
are tickling my
diaphragm,
crackling in my ribs,
eating my
ideas,
thoughts
(even atheists have thoughts).
I'm done.
It's over.
Let's go home.
#2
Why doesn't he talk to me
instead of gazing across
the thick, low ambiance
of this pizzeria at
a wasted hour of
ESPN Sports Legends?
This opens what could be a very interesting and mysitc story
I guess a bastard son
and a couple drinks
aren't what he expected
when he gazed into
a mockery of eggs
and coffee at six
a.m.
but I'm okay;
I like the imagery this shows to my brain
I see past his
morphine-clouded retinasJust enter a new paragraph here
and
listen past the
conservative remarks
across the aisle.
So far this sound very good
"We should burn all 'em ***s."
Don't face a problem-burn itThis "burn it," seems a little repetative from the line before. Even though I don't think it gives no real reference to what it is that is wanted to be burned.
Guy once said and
I couldn't agree more;
I'd love to see the silhouette
adjacent writhing and screaming,
adjectives and adverbs
falling from his limbs-
burnt-red, crisp;
tendons strung with
electrified asphalt
dancing in the limelight.
This is sounds like a good good poem so far
"We should burn them fascist Dems, too"Instead of burn, because you said that ealier, try thinking of something that gets rid of them a little more dramatically because it is later into the poem and it sounds better to use a little more vocabulary.
I hear myself offer
a witticism, a word
only I could say in
that tone, in
that
mellow
tone
THis is just random and very out of place.
and I realize,
starring at carefully
constructed inequalities
on inertiaThis word doesn't seem to make sense. equations,
why suicide eludes me,
why I still walk
and not lie down
forever-
"No thanks."
"Are you sure?"
We always want more;
I don't, and
no one else witnesses
this queer happening,
and I hate it.
Emptiness and loneliness
are tickling my
diaphragm,
crackling in my ribs,
eating my
ideas,
thoughts
(even atheists have thoughts).
I'm done.
It's over.
Let's go home.


I like the construction you put into this poem. It is very interesting to read. This poem has some very good imagery Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
Quote by hippieboy444
Why doesn't he talk to me
instead of gazing across
the thick, low ambiance
of this pizzeria at
a wasted hour of
ESPN Sports Legends?
good start
I guess a bastard son
and a couple drinks
aren't what he expected
when he gazed into
a mockery of eggs
and coffee at six
a.m.
This is an interesting followup and you certainly catch the reader's attention with this.
but I'm okay;
I see past his morphine-
clouded retinas and
listen past the
conservative remarks
across the aisle.
"We should burn all 'em ***s."
Don't face a problem-burn it
I agree with WildRovers here, the burn seems a bit repetitive here, as a matter of fact I personally feel this would work perfectly fine without that last line.
Guy once said and
I couldn't agree more;
I'd love to see the silhouette
adjacent writhing and screaming,
adjectives and adverbs
falling from his limbs-
burnt-red, crisp;
tendons strung with
electrified asphalt
dancing in the limelight.
Fantastic imagery here
"We should burn them fascist Dems, too" I believe this burn works well since it clearly alludes to the previous quote however incinerate or cremate would also work IMO...if you try to become less repetitive.
I hear myself offer
a witticism, a word
only I could say in
that tone, in
that
mellow
tone
and I realize,
I don't understand what just happened exactly.
starring at carefully staring -> 1 r
constructed inequalities
on inertia equations,
why suicide eludes me,
why I still walk
and not lie down
forever-
"No thanks."
"Are you sure?"
We always want more;
OK its a little deep but a little confusing, are you talking about the narrator or people in general about wanting more and is No Thanks to suicide?
I don't, and
no one else witnesses
this queer happening,
and I hate it.
Emptiness and loneliness
are tickling my
diaphragm,
crackling in my ribs,
eating my
ideas,
thoughts
(even atheists have thoughts).
I'm done.
It's over.
Let's go home.
This is an OK ending although a bit cliche for suicide notes but then at parts not so cliche. I feel like you could have repeated the word "burn" here and made this a much much better poem just by the simple use. It would make the repitition throughout a lot better. You introduce the repetition and then forget about it. You should put in something like It's over/Time to burn/Let's go home. Just slide it in there gradually.


Overall it was solid. I think the beginning is so good but the ending kind of drags it out a bit. The end is kind of upsettingly poor in comparison to the strong beginning you pitched. I feel the second half of the poem needs just a tad more work and wording to really make this something worth while.