#1
I got so stunned when I saw you today
With a white collared shirt and skirt painted grey
Your sneakers have been stepped on countless times
And countless times have I dreamt dreams about you
So over my head God couldn't make them come true.

And it looks like you've just visited the barber
Came to me looking like a brown Korean mushroom
Well thats what you said, but have I told you I love mushrooms?
Goes well in soup or stew
As a garden plant, as a rain shelter too
In shady areas, in broods they bloom
Leeching and leeching, this memorial I've built for you.

I know its useless and I know I'm a fool
I've caught stars in a bucket and made plastic out of wool
You still don't love me but I'll always love you
So I'll keep molding this porcelaine dump
Until he's perfect enough for you.
#2
Overall, I liked it especially for a newcomer to writing lyrics. What's great about these lyrics is that you aren't afraid to expand your diction and use more unique words that pop out on the page (i.e. porcelain, Korean, brood, leeching) That's something you don't see much from beginners which is definitely a good thing.

A few suggestions, and you will get better at these the more you write:

When rhyming, try and make them organic. In other words, don't force them but rather they should sound logical when reading them. Lines like "I know its useless and I know I'm a fool / I've caught stars in a bucket and made plastic out of wool" and "I got so stunned when I saw you today / With a white collared shirt and skirt painted grey" do not sound natural. It is pretty obvious that you were fishing for a word to rhyme with "fool". Whenever you have a contrived rhyme, it sticks out like a sore thumb. One tip to help with this is to forget completely about rhyming when you write. Songs can still be good if they don't rhyme.

Another suggestion I'd give would be to be cognizant of cliche-sounding phrases. For example, "And countless times have I dreamt dreams about you / So over my head God couldn't make them come true" and "You still don't love me but I'll always love you" are phrased similar to lines in countless other songs. Whenever you write in cliche you lose your voice and the reader can't feel the emotion you put behind it. So just be aware whenever you venture into the territory and do your best to write something original. The "mushrooom" was a giant step in the right direction just because you are experimenting with different images.

Hopefully that helped out a little. If nothing else, please keep writing because that is truly the only way to get better. Even I force some rhymes and write in cliches so I'm still trying to improve piece by piece just like everyone else. Good luck!
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
after the first couple of lines i had this gay guy tone in my head the whole time. otherwise pretty good.
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#4
I agree with almost everything SubwayToVenus said, except for "And countless times have I dreamt dreams about you / So over my head God couldn't make them come true" being cliche (maybe cause i've never heard anything like this in a song). This was my favorite line. The mushroom part was awesome as well.
good piece.
#5
Wow thanks guys thats just the kind of support i needed.. But this isn't a song though its a poem..ahah..
Anyways I'll try to make my rhyming more organic and less cliche in my next piece.. Once again, thanks a whole lot.