#1
It's been awhile, but i finally picked my pen back up and started writing again, after going through about 2 years of serious writer's block. Anyway, I wrote this after listening to probably a little bit too much Acid Bath, but let me know what you think nonetheless.

I fell asleep in a fairy tale.
I woke up in a dream.
I ate the limbs of dying trends,
And collapsed into the sea.
I smeared their faces with crumbling bone.
I can smell your stink through the phone.

Acid swirls of mangled bodies
Faces upside down
Technicolored thoughts
Have turned all my rainbows brown.

Blinded by the darkness
I've forgotten how to see.
Read me back another story
Force me to believe.
Take away
Everything I've learned
I don't wanna know anymore.
Show me how
To live again.
I've heard this all before.

Put your gun up to my head
And kill me from inside.
Fill me with your liquid lead
Just laugh and watch me die.

With my suicide
Around your neck
I'll give you my disease.
With my hands
Around your throat
I'll make you believe.
#2
Quote by imcrazy814


I fell asleep in a fairy tale.
I woke up in a dream.
I ate the limbs of dying trends,
And collapsed into the sea.
I smeared their faces with crumbling bone.
I can smell your stink through the phone.
I liked the first four lines, but those last two seem so forced and out of place that they ruin it.

Acid swirls of mangled bodies I think the word acid is unnecessary here, it interrupts the flow and without it there's more left to the imagination
Faces upside down
Technicolored thoughts
Have turned all my rainbows brown.

Blinded by the darkness Bit of a cliche... what about replacing the with my?
I've forgotten how to see.
Read me back another story
Force me to believe.
Take away
Everything I've learned
I don't wanna know anymore.
Show me how
To live again.
I've heard this all before.
I think you could take away a chunk of those last 8 lines. it feels like filler.

Put your gun up to my head
And kill me from inside.
Fill me with your liquid lead
Just laugh and watch me die.
Sorry to be pedantic but if the guns to the head it's not from inside... but fair deal if this bit falls under "poetic license"

With my suicide
Around your neck
I'll give you my disease.
With my hands
Around your throat
I'll make you believe.
Absolutely loved this last stanza. the flow and rhyme is easy, and the suicide metaphor is effective. is it just me or is it a bit reminiscent of fall out boy songs? sorry to offend if its not


Overall i liked it. It could do with some work so it doesn't sound as cliched but you have some shining examples of good work there
crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1220499
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#3
Quote by cofinboy
Overall i liked it. It could do with some work so it doesn't sound as cliched but you have some shining examples of good work there
crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1220499


Thanks for the comments!

In the first stanza, there is a bit of a transition after the first four lines, so it does work, but I agree, it does sound forced, I never liked those two lines and considered dropping them anyway.

I agree the word acid doesn't really work, conceptually, but it just doesn't flow right without it. I can't think of how to fix it, any ideas?

In stanza four, that was intentional, the gun is a metaphor. The whole thing is based on contradiction, the "gun" is held up to my head, but its the "liquid lead" or poisoned thoughts and ideas that kill me.

And I certainly hope its not too similar to any fall out boy song, as I may have to trash that part as well if it is.

Anyway, thanks for the critique, I knew it had some major flaws, but couldn't quite put my finger on them. Reading over it again, it really sounds immature, and its almost painfully obvious that I was trying to imitate Dax Riggs, and I think its also obvious that I failed miserably. I'll post some of my other, much better stuff later.