#1
Café Deutschland, or Auf die platze

Well, come on in
in Café Deutschland
the doors are just a bit heavy
but once you’re in, you’re in for a while
You can have
a freheit coffee --That’s an Americano--
or just a plain old latte,
we serve these a lot these days
here at Café Deutschland

Panels reunite here,
all experts, by the seascape
to debate on, to try and grasp
how we would talk,
or purr or bark
if left out in the midnight sun
for days on end.
They’ve been here for weeks,
we won’t close until they leave,
but now they quack and roar
and buzz and yelp, they
grew palms and head horses,
even our staff started to bleat,
all our ice has been melting
we put cold water in your drinks
here at Café Deutschland

We have more casual guests, though
here at Café Deustchland
We serve some bottled juice and
slices of cake—we buy them made--
to familiar faces and childhood friends
your companions in high summers
Perhaps we can even serve
a few shots of Goldshlager
to reminisce your first wild nights
when you used to crack
sunflower seeds from dusk to dawn
until there was no pavement, just
carpets of scales and pools of spittle

I went to the grocery the other day
to try and find a bag of these,
I swear they magically disappear
when you turn sixteen or something
I haven’t seen the damn things in forever
Honestly, I swear that if I only could
find one of the-quacky quack quack bark
puddly purr purr beeeeeep
Welcome to Café Deutschland,
the doors are heavy but once you’re in
you’re in for a while
you can have
a
Ferheit coffee……………
Last edited by circular.parade at Oct 30, 2009,
#2
I liked it...it would flow better if you put the lines together like when it says
"I swear they magically disappear
When you turn sixteen or something"
if you put it like this
"I swear they magically disappear When you turn sixteen or something"
But that's just me..and the last Freheit is spelled wrong
#3
Why would it flow any better?
With poetry you're suppose to continue reading at line breaks. You only pause at punctuation.

I couldn't shake the whole "hotel california" vibe I was getting from this.

This was a miss for me. I just couldn't really relate to/care about a german cafe.
If I try to ignore that factor, and focus on the words more, it's written well enough.
More of an issue with my personal preference.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
Quote by Mat
Panels reunite here,
All experts, by the seascape
To debate on, to try and grasp
How we would talk,
Or purr or bark
If left out in the midnight sun
For days on end.
They’ve been here for weeks,
We won’t close until they leave,
But now they quack and roar
And buzz and yelp, they
Grew palms and head horses,
Even our staff started to bleat,
All our ice has been melting
We put cold water in your drinks
Here at café Deutschland


This was about the only part where I truly enjoyed your presentation. There were moments of brilliance tucked into lines here and there... and parts where I really saw what you were imagining for me. Otherwise, this came across as a piece that was uninspired. There's nothing wrong with that, I'm just not used to reading things that come across as whimsical from you. I guess that's an expectation problem. Even as a whimsical and "fun" piece I couldn't really dig it; it was in an intermediate state between whimsical and delivering and it just never found its stride to me.

Just my thoughts, disregard as you will. Also, as Ted said... the first stanza came across as Hotel California... which bugged me, because I hate the Eagles. That's me personally though.

I'd appreciate just a bump and thought on Evening Dew in sig.
#6
ted, the last thing this is about is a german café. The fact that this went unnoticed, though, is a marker.

Any thoughts on how I could make the irony more apparent here? The eagles reference is, it seems, more than obvious enough, but for people to actually catch it from an ironic eye?

I'm at a loss, here.

thanks a lot guys.