#1
C4C

(Part one)

Wish I'd never met you
and wasted all my time
6 years of hardship
and you do me that way?

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

Went with you to worship
just to hear you say
that you never even
believed that way?

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

And I made a life commitment
Guess it never meant shit
and you threw it all away?

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

maybe you can send an angel
to carry me away

maybe you can send an angel
to carry me away

someone please send an angel
and carry me away

(part 2) same melody but heavier I am not dead set on any particular order so suggestions there would be helpful.

I told you not to come around here
you may loose your life
but you act as if this is just another hill to climb

All I need are 2 shovels and a bag of lye I can make you disappear
until the end of time

Don't you know the ring on the finger
shows you what is mine
yet you act as if this is just another hill to climb

I told you not to come around here you may loose your life

don't put me in that position
smith and wesson make an easy proposition

so don't come around here you may loose your life

don't put me in that position
smith and wesson make an easy proposition

so don't come around here you may loose your life

All I need are 2 shovels and a bag of lye I can make you disappear
until the end of time
Last edited by Captain Capo at Oct 30, 2009,
#2
Overall, I liked it. The were a few thing that I didn't like flow-wise, like the last line of the third stanza. "Believed that way?" seemed a little short almost, and the way I was reading it it seemed to mess up the flow. That could be just me, because I don't know how you plan to play it, but that's what I read. Also, you spelled meant wrong in the fifth stanza, unless you meant for that.

For the second part, I liked it. It wasn't so long as to make the repetition get boring, but it was also a decent length. I could start to get the idea of the music you wanted to put it to, I think, but it was an overall good piece.

C4C? Psychotrpoic
#4
Quote by Captain Capo
C4C

(Part one)

Wish I'd never met you
and wasted all my time
6 years of hardship
and you do me that way?

I enjoy the first two lines, straight to the point, no messing around. The third line seems slightly detatched with the word hardship, almost with the simplicity of the rest of the stanza, it seems somewhat out of place there. The last line is slightly confusing in that you say 'you do me that way', and I'm not sure what you're referenceing with the word 'do' there.

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

Again, the first two lines are fantastic here. That final line though, it seems too deep and philosophical to fit. It's not bad by any means, but I personally think it'd be better if you simplified it, made it more intimate.

Went with you to worship
just to hear you say
that you never even
believed that way?

I don't quite understand this stanza. Something about her saying things once and then telling you she never actually meant them. But the wording is somewhat perculiar. Imaging it as a sentence. "Went with you to worship just to hear you say that you never even believed that way?" That first line doesn't quite work. Sorry if I've explained it badly.

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

And I made a life commitment
Guess it never meant shit
and you threw it all away?

This kinda works in the same way as the stanza above in that as a sentance, it doesn't quite make sense. This time though, it's the last line that doesn't quite fit. Also, just a personal gripe, but I don't particularly like vulgarity in lyrical or poetical pieces.

Maybe we'll see each other again
but that will be the day
evil men die and the devil begins to pray

maybe you can send an angel
to carry me away

maybe you can send an angel
to carry me away

someone please send an angel
and carry me away

I like these three stanzas. They sounds deflated, in that you were at a completely loose end when you penned these. And it conveys wonderfully. I really like these stanzas.

(part 2) same melody but heavier I am not dead set on any particular order so suggestions there would be helpful.

I told you not to come around here
you may loose your life
but you act as if this is just another hill to climb

You may lose your life, perhaps? Other than that, it isn't too shabby. That final line might just be a bit too philosopical for the simplicity of the rest of the piece, but your call.

All I need are 2 shovels and a bag of lye I can make you disappear
until the end of time

I do not know what a bag of lye is. But I love the structure, the wording, the flow of this stanza.

Don't you know the ring on the finger
shows you what is mine
yet you act as if this is just another hill to climb

Hm. Don't think I quite like the imagery involved in this stanza. Again, you have that deep line about the hill in there. I think this stanza is a bit too deep for the piece.

I told you not to come around here you may loose your life

Simple one liner, again lose instead of loose, maybe?

don't put me in that position
smith and wesson make an easy proposition

This stanza seems too much thought out, like you sat thinking about this one for a while. It doesn't sit for my liking.

so don't come around here you may loose your life

don't put me in that position
smith and wesson make an easy proposition

so don't come around here you may loose your life

All I need are 2 shovels and a bag of lye I can make you disappear
until the end of time


This isn't too shabby a piece, would be good to hear it put to music, just needs a few tweaks here and there is all. Hope I helped.

C4C?

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