#1
I think this is the unedited version, but I don't care, I think I should share it now.


----

They'd watch the light change for days,
passing over the rivers and one way highways,
and the shadows made by people below
walking through their city of gold

Engines splutter new fuel into pools made of rainbows
and kick up the dry dust of orange byroads
as they stumble towards different countries and out to the coast,
passengers scrawling postcards home, 'I've always loved this place the most.
It's always been so good to me and you, my family

you know I've never seen the sea
but that Stevenson book really spoke to me'


He draws the pen back slowly and stares at the address to the left of the card
hands it to the guy behind the counter and walks sadly to the carpark,
the dusk settling around the side-of-the-road building
signs flickering, animals yawning.
A big blue bus is waiting, it's headlights no longer working,
rip in the cream awning, a 'Scania' logo on the grill has been knocked askew
and rust is showing through its blue paint.

The engine whispers itself out of slumber as the people climb in,
the wheels slowly start to spin and men take their seats,
window passengers rolling up shirts and jumpers
to hold their heads through the nightlong journey.
Once again the oil starts to spill out from underneath.

The red sea is jade and turquoise really;
it's the mountains that are red.
I guess it looks different when the sun is low
and reflected light spreads across the water.
Like how the buses headlights look bronze against the dust
and how the morning sun cast across the city
makes it look golden, because each grain of sand
looks like a miniature sun spilled out over the cold, cold land,
free to burn and wither in letter writers' hands.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 30, 2009,
#2
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I think this is the unedited version, but I don't care, I think I should share it now.


----

They'd watch the light change for days,
passing over the rivers and one way highways,
and the shadows made by people below
walking through their city of gold
First of all, I really like the title. Its what drew me to this piece. Great title. Anyways, I liked the picture you painted in this first section. Gives off a good portrayol of what you trying to show us.

Engines splutter new fuel into pools made of rainbows
and kick up the dry dust of orange byroads
as they stumble towards different countries and out to the coast,
passengers scrawling postcards home, 'I've always loved this place the most.
It's always been so good to me and you, my family
This has a good flow, and it was relaxing. Not much else to say. Good stanza

you know I've never seen the sea
but that Stevenson book really spoke to me'

Good transition, much better than what I can do.

He draws the pen back slowly and stares at the address to the left of the card
hands it back to the guy behind the counter and walks back sadly to the carpark,
the dusk settling around the side-of-the-road building
signs flickering, animals yawning.
A big blue bus is waiting, it's headlights no longer working,
rip in the cream awning, a 'Scania' logo on the grill has been knocked askew
and rust is showing through its blue paint.
Well written stanza, more good imagery.

The engine whispers itself out of slumber as the people climb in,
the wheels slowly start to spin and men take their seats,
the window passengers rolling up shirts and jumpers
to hold their heads through the nightlong journey.
Once again the oil starts to spill out from underneath.


The red sea is jade and turquoise really;
it's the mountains that are red.
I guess it looks different when the sun is low
and reflected light spreads across the water.
Like how the buses headlights look bronze against the dust
and how the morning sun cast across the city
makes it look golden, because each grain of sand
looks like a miniature sun spilled out over the cold, cold land,
free to burn and wither in letter writers' hands.


I gotta be honest with you. I dont know what in the hell your talking about. I could never really pick up on a central theme, but I could be very wrong. I just couldnt figure out what you were describing. I'm probably just dumb.

Anyways, well written for what ever you were talking about.
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#3
I think this is the piece that I really liked. And I do really like it. I just think you need to take a little more care with the rhyming; when it's subtle, it's great, sometimes it can be a little too in your face though. That's how I see it, anyway.
#4
Look who's come out of hiding. This is lovely, m'love. I think I read a version of this a while ago, maybe.
#5
RageGarden: I'm sorry you couldn't pick up on it. Thank you for reading, though; I hope you still got some enjoyment from it
Michal and Kyle: cheers, blokes
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I can hear a trance-y / death metal vibe to this one.

Joking, I like it a lot, actually.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching