#1
c4c.

A windmill perched along the edge of a sea
rises and falls opaque in the breeze.
The sun rattles off the windows, they flicker
as the day comes to a breathless close.
And when our boats finally quit the shore
mackerel leaps, tangled among cracked nets
and salmon traps, that glint in the echoes
of a dimmed and starved sea, eroding.

Surely even the skies could consider injustice
knowing that fish, flesh, fowl would blemish
and be pulled out from the lakes, plundered
from the shores, throned on our wooden halls
a trophy and a reminder to depravity.

So when the gathering of the tempest swells,
and when our salty floors shake us asunder.
At the crowing of the many funerals,
they will be remembered as a testimony
of men who died both young and old.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Oct 30, 2009,
#2
I quite liked this. I think you had too many 'big' words... and that sounds very childish, but what I mean is this sounds a lot like you've gone through the dictionary picking out unusual words and using them just for the sake of it; as a result, it doesn't really sound real, personal or believable.

I haven't seen you around before, do you post often?

EDIT: Just looked at your profile, it seems you started posting around the time I stopped frequenting this place.
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
c4c.

A windmill perched along the edge of a sea
rises and falls opaque in the breeze.
The sun rattles off the windows, they flicker
as the day comes to a breathless close.
And when our boats finally quit the shore
mackerel leaps, tangled among cracked nets
and salmon traps, that glint in the echoes
of a dimmed and starved sea.

This is my favourite stanza. It's somewhat subtle in its description, almost like a water-colour painting, filled with pale colours. But it's that effect that gives it its true essence. It manages to build up a wonderful picture, my only little gripe is that the last line is just a little too abrupt for me, just like it's lacking by one or two syllables.

Surely even the skies could desire retribution
knowing that fish, flesh, fowl would blemish
and be pulled out from the lakes, plundered
from the shores, throned on our wooden halls
a trophy and a reminder to depravity.

That first line. It confuses me, and I agree with the other guy, in that it sounds somewhat detached from the rest of the piece, I guess it's the 'desire retribution', it just doesn't sit. Perhaps something more simple, more intimate? The rest of the stanza is fine. It doesn't shine, it feels just that little too.. Cut off, it needs two more lines to give it that little bit more depth. However, I absolutely adore the last line, kudos.

So when the gathering of the tempest swells,
and when our salty floors shake us asunder.
At the crowing of the many funerals,
they will be remembered as a testimony
of men who died both young and old.

This is perfectly placed. The finality to it is undeniable. That last line, it's almost 'wow' enducing. Just a thought, but perhaps join the second and third stanzas to give them that bit more depth, like the first stanza, but perhaps that will make that stanza a bit overwhelming. It's not bad by any means, it's actually wonderful, just a few tweaks here and there.


Could you crit my piece 'Cogitatio' please.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1223352

Thank you.
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#4
Quote by michal23
I quite liked this. I think you had too many 'big' words... and that sounds very childish, but what I mean is this sounds a lot like you've gone through the dictionary picking out unusual words and using them just for the sake of it; as a result, it doesn't really sound real, personal or believable.

I haven't seen you around before, do you post often?

EDIT: Just looked at your profile, it seems you started posting around the time I stopped frequenting this place.


I don't really believe that I used too many big words. You could tell it would be obvious if everything else was simple then I just dropped the words "ethereal" or "empyrean."
They just wouldn't fit but but fair enough for the comment. I still think it remained honest and it is "me"

Thanks for the crit.

I've started posting here in the last month or so.

Quote by Slap_Bassist
Could you crit my piece 'Cogitatio' please.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1223352

Thank you.


Yeah to be honest I wasn't 100% with that last line in the last stanza. It seemed too abrupt I'll change that I think.

I sort of wanted to reference powers of another world, that idea of another being with that first line of that stanza. I can see now that it doesn't fit thanks.

With the last one I wanted to continue for it to flow evenly but I guess that's a preference.

Thanks for the crit, i'll take a look at "Cogitatio"