#1
Been a while since I posted any lyrics on UG, but I figured even if I don't sing I can work on song lyrics. I'll crit for crit if we agree on thoughtful, honest feedback (the only way we'll improve!)

No real structure to this, just a first draft I figured y'all could help out with!


There's a faint memory
Lingering like incense
At night when I hear a faint lullaby
Of the person I used to be

You're not undesirable
You could fix this broken heart
I'm just afraid of what you'll do
If you're given a loaded gun

If I melt for you I lose my shape
The backbone that makes me stand tall
My eyes are hidden under my hat
And given to the facade of bravery
And cowardice alike
I've felt the touch of hellfire
So I know just how much it burns
When you lose your cool


Thanks! One love!
M.
#2
I like this.
The opening stanza is really vivid, I love the line "lingering like incense."
I don't like the second stanza as much for some reason, but it still fits, it still works. I think it still sounds good, and I like the last line of it, just not as much as the first stanza for some reason. Can't really put my finger on it.
I really like the last stanza. The first two lines of it really stick out and I think they're very clever. I think when you say "and cowardice alike" it breaks up the flow a bit, which, depending on how you deliver it, could be good or bad.
The last three lines are also very clever, mixing the hot/cool imagery, and I like them a great deal.

Good job, I think it's well under way to be a powerful song.
#3
Thanks man, do you want me to crit anything of yours? I appreciate the honest feedback, if you need to just let me know!

One Love,
M.