#1
Edit: Depending on my ability to write a poem on blue and connecting it to green, I may make this a series.

c4c ... seriously

This Poem is Red

You are the color red
You provide me light
Yet you are so dark
I’m no match for all your might

Red is the color of blood
Thus it’s the symbol of life
But also the symbol of death
What does it symbolize at the edge of the knife

Red is the color of fire
The greatest discovery of man
Yet it tortures many persons
Once the fire expands

Is red the color of heaven
Or is it the color of hell
Did we get it all wrong
Are we under red’s spell

I am leaving you
For the color blue
To start a life anew
Now I turn to what’s true
Last edited by 21wickwing at Nov 4, 2009,
#2
Hey dude, I'll give you an honest review...

Red is the color of blood
Thus it’s the symbol of life
But also it’s the symbol of death
What does it symbolize at the edge of the knife

The last line here is the strongest part. I would suggest using some more ambiguous comparisons, or at least work on the wording because some of it sounds too spoken word (unless that's what you were going for).

You are the color red
You provide me light
Yet you are so dark
I’m no match for all your might

I like the introduction of this person being the color red, it identifies your subject with your metaphor. However, the second line is a little off to me, at least in a literal sense, it kind of clashes. Strong third line although the word "dark" is a bit overused. The last line is strong, once more, however I get the sense you are adhering strictly to a rhyme scheme here of ABCB, which forced you to use the word "light" to the last rhyme. I'd suggest experimenting a bit more to make it your song rather than one with a generic scheme. If you end up liking this form more, hey that's great, but as musicians, it's our job to experiment and push our own boundaries.

Red is the color of fire
The greatest discovery of man
Yet it tortures many persons
Once the fire loses control and expands

Once again, this seems very spoken word for a song. I don't favor the use of the word "persons" as it just is such an unattractive word. That third line could use some reworking. But your imagery is getting stronger, you just need to tie everything in. I'm getting very confused by some of this.


Is red the color of heaven
Or is it the color of hell
Did we get it all wrong
Are we all under red’s spell

Definitely your strongest stanza yet. I can't suggest much of this, asides from the standard retool, rework to see if anything is better.


Red is the color of Dr. Seuss
That hooslebleuss of a Seuss
It is a color of America
Red equals courageous

Unfortunately, with this, all I can say is "....wait, what?" Your song is so furious, so passionate, so serious and all of a sudden it turns into Dr. Seuss, silly words... it clashes poorly to me. Just a contradiction of emotions.

Red is the color of communism
And totalitarians everywhere
Enslave all the people
Make em work , give em no care

Good political commentary, but once more, I find myself asking, how does this tie in? It would work well if this song was directed to a political system, but in what seems to me a song directed at a person, your point becomes murky.

I am leaving you
For the color blue
To start a life anew
I am turning to what’s true

Well, I can say that you end the poem on a strong note. This stanza brings the song to a good conclusion, however the sudden AAAA rhyme scheme is a bit unpredictable considering the rest of the song has an unusual rhyme scheme. Still, a good way to end the song.

In conclusion, I think that you're drawing very powerful comparisons to the color red (happens to be my favorite color), and you seem to have a good idea in your mind of meaning, however in execution you write too many superfluous comparisons and sudden, unpredictable themes. Things like the Dr. Seuss and the political commentary stanza are just off. However you have potential in the idea of this song; I suggest you follow through and take the best you can out of it and just see where it goes.
#3
Oh and P.S, I'd love if you could give me some honest feedback on my poem, "Afraid of What You'll Do". Don't hesitate about giving me blunt, constructive criticism if you believe it to be necessary, coddling and using kid gloves on this sort of thing is more harmful than being honest and direct.

Best of luck,
M.
#4
Quote by 21wickwing
Edit: Depending on my ability to write a poem on blue and connecting it to green, I may make this a series.

c4c ... seriously

This Poem is Red

Red is the color of blood
Thus it’s the symbol of life
But also it’s the symbol of death
What does it symbolize at the edge of the knife

I'll do this stanza by stanza first, then give an overall comment at the end. The first metaphor of the colour red with blood. The oxymoronic use of the camparison for both life and death is quite strong. The final line, although the other guy said the last line was the strongest, I have to disagree, it's slightly too long in comparison to the other lines, and sounds like the word knife was thought to rhyme with life before the final line was written, just my opinion.

You are the color red
You provide me light
Yet you are so dark
I’m no match for all your might

I enjoy the use of red to identify with the 'You' character. Another half decent oxymoronic comparison in the second and third lines. Once again, that last line sounds like the rhyme was thought before the line was.

Red is the color of fire
The greatest discovery of man
Yet it tortures many persons
Once the fire loses control and expands

I don't like the fire/red metaphor, it's somewhat cliched. And also, not entirely true. I'd associate yellow or orange with fire before red. I do like that idea of the second and third lines. However, the last line, once again follow the suit of the first stanza.

Is red the color of heaven
Or is it the color of hell
Did we get it all wrong
Are we all under red’s spell

This is my favourite stanza by far. Nice oxymoron in the first two lines, a kind of thought, said aloud. The third line is simplistically lovely and the final line actually fits with the rest of the stanza. Also, I like the use of red as a personified manner.

You are the color red
You provide me light
Yet you are so dark
I’m no match for all your might

(Repeated. Repetition is alright, however, I wouldn't have chosen that stanza in particular.)

Red is the color of Dr. Seuss
That hooslebleuss of a Seuss
It is a color of America
Red equals courageous

Hm. This is a bit of a tangent. It's not so focused, and it needs to be, otherwise we'll all be lost. After stanza after stanza of trying to sound very serious, you can't then just go a bit silly with Dr. Seuss, and then going to America, try and focus.

Red is the color of communism
And totalitarians everywhere
Enslave all the people
Make em work , give em no care

Again. You have gone off on another tangent. Almost to try and sound like you're clever because you're using political points in there. But that only works if you dedicate the whole song to such a point. If you just throw in a verse like this, it sounds detached.

You are the color red
You provide me light
Yet you are so dark
I’m no match for all your might

(Repeated. This obviously is the chorus of the piece. But personally, it's not your strongest stanza. The only reason to use it repetitively is because of that first line, to associate the 'you' character with red.)

I am leaving you
For the color blue
To start a life anew
I am turning to what’s true

I like this final stanza, it seems somewhat detached with the change of rhyme scheme, but the overall thought and idea is lovely. A strong ending.


Okay. This seems like a lyrical diary. As if something happened to you and then you wrote about it within an hour of it happening. It seems slightly too rambled and unfocused. The main point and idea is wonderful, but the execution isn't up to expectations. It could be something though if it was to be made more focused.

Anyways, hope that helped.

C4C?

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