#1
Hey there, this is a lyric I recently came up with when we had the first snow here in germany, it's quite open for interpretation but it heeds into the direction ob becoming dumb as you grow older. Any kind of critics are appreciated , if you leave me a link I'll also have a look at yours!

The Coldness Behind
Verse:
There was a time
when we were old
older than now
when we lived
what we were
without doubt

It was our prime
then we fell
to our thoughts
to our pride
leaving our childhood behind

Bridge:
So cold outside
it's not the first winter's breath
the coldness lies behind

Chorus:
inside the cloak
we wear to protect us
crafted by pride
woven by hush
and personal lies
it's our only disguise

Verse:
That's where we're now
in a world full of fear
of finding ourselves
living the way
pretending trying
to know our place

Chorus:
Still inside the cloak
we wear to protect us
crafted by pride
woven of hush
and personal lies
it's our only disguise


I hope you enjoyed it
Greets, Greymane
Last edited by Greymane at Nov 1, 2009,
#2
Quote by Greymane

The Coldness Behind

There was a time
when we were old
older than now
when we lived
what we were
without doubt

Interesting rhyme scheme here. I particularly liked the rhyme between "doubt" and "now", very nice. However in the last line, the rhyme between "without" and "doubt" messes up the flow a little, so you might want to change that bit. Strange flow to it. I would add "a" to the last line to make "without a doubt" because I think it helps the flow a bit and breaks "without" and "doubt" so it doesn't sound so strange.

It was our prime
then we fell
to our thoughts
to our pride
leaving our childhood behind

Aha, I like this stanza. Almost seems like its lashing out at the modern world. I find the last line has too many syllables for the flow, maybe change it to "leaving childhood behind" or "left childhood behind". Besides that, I like this one.

So cold outside
it's not the first winter's breath
the coldness lies behind

This the chorus right? Not exactly the most catchy of chorus's, but it suffices. I don't find anything remarkable nor especially horrible about this. Sorry if I'm mistaken, but is this is the chorus or is the next stanza? This one just seems like it.

inside the cloak
we wear to protect us
crafted by pride
woven by hush
and personal lies
it's our only disguise

Figurative language. Nice. I think the 5th line should be extended by a syllable? Besides that, good work on this one.

That's where we're now
in a world full of fear
of finding ourselves
living the way
pretending trying
to know our place

I think the first line should be extended fully, as in, no abbreviation. Also, the 4th line is a little short compared to the rest. Try extending that line as well. I don't really like this stanza as much. It seems rather....not sure if cliched is the word, but yeah, somewhat cliched compared to the rest of the song. Essentially, I don't think it fits the feel of the song as well as the other stanzas.

Still inside the cloak
we wear to protect us
crafted by pride
woven of hush
and personal lies
it's our only disguise


Hmm, interesting repetition. Is this the chorus? Or did you just like it a lot? Maybe repeat the ending line once more?

This seems like a poem to me, in the way it's way written. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I liked the use of figurative language in the 4th and last stanza. You have an interesting flow and rhyme scheme with this, so watch that. There were some lines that just seemed too short or too long. Also, I don't really get how the 3 line stanza in the middle fits in? But doesn't really matter. As for the 5th stanza, doesn't seem to fit as well with the figurative language and stuff you have going on. All in all, pretty good. The flow and rhyme scheme are interesting, just be careful with them. Use of figurative language good.

Hope this helped somewhat.
#3
thanks a lot for that critic , it was really helpful , i'm thinking of a few changes at the moment but it will take some time to see what really fits most , some of the phrasing and syllable number might sound a bit odd , but it actually is intended to be a song not a poem so this is due to rhytmics that are given by the guitar
I'll edit the first post so it will be clear which part is the chorus and so on ..